Just to give an update. Today the world is sunshine and roses in my mind, even though it's actually overcast and rainy outside. I almost didn't post last night knowing I would be back to normal in the morning. I look at that post from last night and think how over dramatic I was being. But honestly, I posted it because I knew I'd feel that way today. I needed to get it down, put it public that this is truthfully how I feel sometimes. And the next day I can't really imagine what I was thinking and brush it off. I posted last night so I don't keep brushing it off. It's real feelings that overtake me sometimes that need to be dealt with, not just lived through and pretend the next day they didn't happen. They were real. I was afraid. I was overwhelmed. But today, today I'm okay.
Also I want to add that I don't believe I have depression, or even anxiety. I have moments. Short periods where I can't see out of the cloud that fills my head. But I'm always fine shortly afterward. No lasting effects. I'm not really sure what to call that. So I tend to not talk about it. But last night I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Falling
Is it ok to let yourself fall sometimes? To just finally collapse, knowing you can build yourself back up later? When you are so overwhelmed and so anxious and so tired of being brave. I have nothing to be fearful of in my life. I am wonderfully blessed. I can't believe the beautiful life that has been given to me. So on nights like tonight when irrational, overwhelming, unexplainable fear overtake me I pretend it isn't happening. I'm not depressed. What could be depressing about my life? I'm not anxious. What is there to be fearful of? But on nights like tonight I just feel like giving in sometimes. I'm not saying this in a dangerous way, talking about giving in to depression usually leads in a harmful direction. I'm asking is it ok, just once, to let everyone know I'm really not okay tonight? To cry and scream and not be able to breathe but to do it openly, because somehow it is even more suffocating when it's held in. I'll be fine in the morning. I always am. Maybe not tomorrow night. It's the evenings that get me, I don't know why. I feel alone and afraid. I can't explain what I'm afraid of, only that I can't breathe while its got a hold on me. I want to cry. But I don't. I want to scream, but I don't. So I write.
I listened to this song and I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Then I breathed.
http://youtu.be/myn8TdSNc4k
I listened to this song and I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Then I breathed.
http://youtu.be/myn8TdSNc4k
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Pleasing
I'm about to write something long, drawn out, and probably something that makes no sense. It's how I write when I'm overwhelmed, and I tend to come to this blog a lot when I'm that way. Not every post written that way leaves the draft stage, but some do. I also tend to write this way when I'm terrified. And guess what?
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of people not liking me. Of not loving me. I'm terrified of people finding out how shallow I am that their liking me or not is all I care about. I'm terrified of losing myself down this endless road as a people pleaser.
This is not a biblical, Christ-like way to live. Was Christ a people-pleaser? Most certainly not. At the root of it all, why do I depend so much on pleasing others? Because I hold what they think of me above what Christ thinks of me. That is straight up, plain sin. It has a name- idolatry. My idol in life is the opinions of those around me. In work and in my personal life it is the same story. I focus more on being loved by the world than loving and being loved by the Creator. And in my push to become completely loved by others, and in my fear that I will fall short of their expectations, I'm not depending on and submitting to God. I don't trust God that He will give me the love that I so desperately want. I don't submit to God's will of having me live the life that He has set me on, instead of the life that I think I see that someone near to me wants me to live. I submit instead to their will, and go where I think they want me to be. I get overwhelmed easily, not being able to read minds, not knowing whether I have been successful in my attempts at gaining the attention, respect, or love of others. I have a strong sense most of the time of what I want, but I push it down deep inside of me, and focus instead on the impossible task of making everyone happy at the same time. It won't work. It's not possible.
Ever wonder what exactly goes through my head at moments like this? Here's a list by Vickie Champion that sums me up to a T. I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of these 52 requirements. It's a long list, so bear with me.
"The perpetual people pleaser…
1 Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.
2 Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no
3 Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.
4 Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.
5 Feels they are never “good” enough.
6 Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.
7 Functions totally from “shoulds.”
8 Assures they always do more than their share.
9 Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.
10 Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.
11 Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”
12 Has a never-ending time management problem.
13 Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.
14 Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.
15 Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.
16 Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”
17 Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.
18 Routinely operates on auto pilot.
19 Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.
20 Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”
21 Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.
22 Almost always feel undeserving.
23 Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.
24 Overpromises.
25 Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.
26 Overapologizes.
27 Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.
28 Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.
29 Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.
30 Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.
31 Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.
32 Would much rather be nice than be real.
33 Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.
34 Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.
35 Often feels trapped.
36 Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.
37 Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.
38 Comes unglued easily when under pressure.
39 Has plenty of regrets.
40 Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.
41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.
42 Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”
43 Is extremely critical of themselves.
44 Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.
45 Has poor problem-solving skills.
46 Is unable to direct or supervise others.
47 Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.
48 Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.
49 Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.
50 Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.
51 Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.
52 Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?"
This is me. This is me exactly. And it's not pretty. Or God-glorifying. Wedding planning has brought this out in me to the extreme. So it's time to change. The beginning of new years always bring around resolutions of all sorts. Why not the beginning of the year in which my life will change more than ever (side note, this also terrifies me sometimes, but that's a post for another day)? It's time, after 20 years of life and avoiding conflicts at all costs, to live my life the way God intended me to. Yes, love others. Yes, act in a way that is worthy of love and respect. But don't idolize that respect. Instead, ignore the opinions of the world. Fix my eyes upon Jesus, "and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of people not liking me. Of not loving me. I'm terrified of people finding out how shallow I am that their liking me or not is all I care about. I'm terrified of losing myself down this endless road as a people pleaser.
This is not a biblical, Christ-like way to live. Was Christ a people-pleaser? Most certainly not. At the root of it all, why do I depend so much on pleasing others? Because I hold what they think of me above what Christ thinks of me. That is straight up, plain sin. It has a name- idolatry. My idol in life is the opinions of those around me. In work and in my personal life it is the same story. I focus more on being loved by the world than loving and being loved by the Creator. And in my push to become completely loved by others, and in my fear that I will fall short of their expectations, I'm not depending on and submitting to God. I don't trust God that He will give me the love that I so desperately want. I don't submit to God's will of having me live the life that He has set me on, instead of the life that I think I see that someone near to me wants me to live. I submit instead to their will, and go where I think they want me to be. I get overwhelmed easily, not being able to read minds, not knowing whether I have been successful in my attempts at gaining the attention, respect, or love of others. I have a strong sense most of the time of what I want, but I push it down deep inside of me, and focus instead on the impossible task of making everyone happy at the same time. It won't work. It's not possible.
Ever wonder what exactly goes through my head at moments like this? Here's a list by Vickie Champion that sums me up to a T. I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of these 52 requirements. It's a long list, so bear with me.
"The perpetual people pleaser…
1 Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.
2 Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no
3 Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.
4 Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.
5 Feels they are never “good” enough.
6 Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.
7 Functions totally from “shoulds.”
8 Assures they always do more than their share.
9 Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.
10 Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.
11 Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”
12 Has a never-ending time management problem.
13 Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.
14 Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.
15 Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.
16 Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”
17 Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.
18 Routinely operates on auto pilot.
19 Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.
20 Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”
21 Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.
22 Almost always feel undeserving.
23 Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.
24 Overpromises.
25 Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.
26 Overapologizes.
27 Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.
28 Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.
29 Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.
30 Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.
31 Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.
32 Would much rather be nice than be real.
33 Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.
34 Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.
35 Often feels trapped.
36 Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.
37 Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.
38 Comes unglued easily when under pressure.
39 Has plenty of regrets.
40 Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.
41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.
42 Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”
43 Is extremely critical of themselves.
44 Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.
45 Has poor problem-solving skills.
46 Is unable to direct or supervise others.
47 Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.
48 Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.
49 Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.
50 Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.
51 Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.
52 Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?"
This is me. This is me exactly. And it's not pretty. Or God-glorifying. Wedding planning has brought this out in me to the extreme. So it's time to change. The beginning of new years always bring around resolutions of all sorts. Why not the beginning of the year in which my life will change more than ever (side note, this also terrifies me sometimes, but that's a post for another day)? It's time, after 20 years of life and avoiding conflicts at all costs, to live my life the way God intended me to. Yes, love others. Yes, act in a way that is worthy of love and respect. But don't idolize that respect. Instead, ignore the opinions of the world. Fix my eyes upon Jesus, "and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Read
After a little over three years, I can say that I've done it. I have now read the entire Bible. This wasn't a goal I originally planned to meet. It wasn't some bucket list item, and I didn't use a "read the Bible in a year" program (obviously, since it's been more than three years). It started with a fear, and anxiousness, that nothing seemed to be helping. When I was about 15 or 16, I had nearly constant sleepless nights and anxious feelings. There was never any apparent cause, and nothing I did seemed to calm me down. One night, when I was just too anxious to sleep and upset for seemingly no reason at all, I picked up my Bible and read Psalm 1. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked." It was such a short chapter, and I continued to read the next few chapters of Psalms. I calmed down some and was able to sleep. The next night, I did the same thing, reading just one chapter. And again the next night. And again. I read through Psalms. Then Proverbs. Then Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon. For some reason I jumped to Matthew, and read the gospels. Then Paul's letters. And then I decided to finish reading the New Testament. And then it became a goal- at least one chapter a night until I had read every word God had given to me. Over the course of this reading, my anxiety disappeared. Of course I still get upset. Of course I still worry. But that constant fear, the long sleepless nights? They gradually left. As I approached the end, I wondered for a second, what will I do when there's nothing left to read? The answer is obvious. Stay in the Word. Start over. So starting tomorrow, I'm doing it again. At least a chapter a night. I can't just stop. Now that I've started, it's impossible for me to stop reading the Word. I hope I never do.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Maturity
I see it everywhere I turn. How immature I am. I have a standard of who I should be by now and almost no parts of my life match up to that standard. I have goals for the future, but none of those will ever be accomplished if I don't become a mature adult. And I don't mean physically. Physically, legally, I guess you could call me a woman. Or very close to that. A young woman, obviously, but I fit most of the standards. Physically, I have matured. I have grown. But spiritually, emotionally, and in almost every aspect of how I live my life, I still act as though I just started high school. This is a common problem among young adults, a lack of maturity. I've always hoped to be ahead of the crowd, more mature than some of my friends, more responsible and focused. Instead, I find myself right in there with the rest of them, making choices that aren't the wisest, and living my life in a way where I can get by without really trying. These choices, mostly stemming from pure laziness and selfishness, resulted in me having to repeat a class this next semester. It almost made me lose nearly $9,000 in scholarships. I don't think I could've continued school without that scholarship, at least not for long. I have high hopes, big dreams and expectations of where I would like to be in a few years. But then I look at my room that I haven't even tried to clean for two weeks. I think about the insane hours I've been keeping, going to bed at one or two in the morning and trying to wake up at 7:30. It's little things in my life that make me realize that I am so not a mature woman. I am an irresponsible girl. And I am ashamed of that. This isn't specifically intended to be a New Year's resolution or anything, to try to mature and become responsible. It just happens to come right after the new year begins. But it's gone to far. My unwillingness to work and take responsibility, my desire to just sit on my bed all day and read, or listen to music, or watch TV, do not indicate any type of growth. And it's time for that to change.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Overflow
It's late. I have class early in the morning. But "my cup overfloweth" tonight, and I just wanted to let it out how thankful I am. Nothing special has happened today. But the Lord has blessed me so much. I am loved, treasured, and respected. I have friends who love me, a family who cares for me. A Lord who loves me more than everyone else combined and more than I can understand. I'm just grateful. And so, so blessed.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Caring
I used to think there was something good about burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't feel things in a certain way. Thought it made me strong and brave and "not like everyone else". Now I understand that feeling and emotion is crucial. What kind of a life are you possibly living if there is no love? No pain to contrast so sharply, to make you all the more thankful when the joy of loving other people returns? No love, no hate, just plain emotionless existence. I've lived that way before. I say all the time that "I don't care". Usually it's about small decisions, like what to do in the afternoon or where to go eat. Sometimes, it's about my entire life. I've gone through periods in my life where I truly didn't care about any of it. Not the past, not the present, and especially not the future. I've lived for awhile thinking that I didn't want to ever fall in love. I didn't really think I wanted children. I thought I would be fine on my own, just living by myself, never "caring" about others in the world or if they cared about me. I know now that that is a lie.
I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.
I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.
This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.
The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.
I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.
I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.
I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.
This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.
The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.
I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)