Pleasing

I'm about to write something long, drawn out, and probably something that makes no sense. It's how I write when I'm overwhelmed, and I tend to come to this blog a lot when I'm that way. Not every post written that way leaves the draft stage, but some do. I also tend to write this way when I'm terrified. And guess what?

I'm terrified.

I'm terrified of people not liking me. Of not loving me. I'm terrified of people finding out how shallow I am that their liking me or not is all I care about. I'm terrified of losing myself down this endless road as a people pleaser.

This is not a biblical, Christ-like way to live. Was Christ a people-pleaser? Most certainly not. At the root of it all, why do I depend so much on pleasing others? Because I hold what they think of me above what Christ thinks of me. That is straight up, plain sin. It has a name- idolatry. My idol in life is the opinions of those around me. In work and in my personal life it is the same story. I focus more on being loved by the world than loving and being loved by the Creator. And in my push to become completely loved by others, and in my fear that I will fall short of their expectations, I'm not depending on and submitting to God. I don't trust God that He will give me the love that I so desperately want. I don't submit to God's will of having me live the life that He has set me on, instead of the life that I think I see that someone near to me wants me to live. I submit instead to their will, and go where I think they want me to be. I get overwhelmed easily, not being able to read minds, not knowing whether I have been successful in my attempts at gaining the attention, respect, or love of others. I have a strong sense most of the time of what I want, but I push it down deep inside of me, and focus instead on the impossible task of making everyone happy at the same time. It won't work. It's not possible.

Ever wonder what exactly goes through my head at moments like this? Here's a list by Vickie Champion that sums me up to a T. I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of these 52 requirements. It's a long list, so bear with me.

"The perpetual people pleaser…
1   Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.
2   Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no
3   Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.
4   Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.
5   Feels they are never “good” enough.
6   Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.
7   Functions totally from “shoulds.”
8   Assures they always do more than their share.
9   Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.
10  Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.
11  Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”
12  Has a never-ending time management problem.
13  Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.
14  Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.
15  Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.
16  Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”
17  Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.
18  Routinely operates on auto pilot.
19  Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.
20  Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”
21  Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.
22  Almost always feel undeserving.
23  Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.
24  Overpromises.
25  Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.
26  Overapologizes.
27  Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.
28  Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.
29  Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.
30  Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.
31  Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.
32  Would much rather be nice than be real.
33  Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.
34  Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.
35  Often feels trapped.
36  Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.
37  Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.
38  Comes unglued easily when under pressure.
39  Has plenty of regrets.
40  Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.
41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.
42  Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”
43  Is extremely critical of themselves.
44  Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.
45  Has poor problem-solving skills.
46  Is unable to direct or supervise others.
47  Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.
48  Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.
49  Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.
50  Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.
51  Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.
52  Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?"

This is me. This is me exactly. And it's not pretty. Or God-glorifying. Wedding planning has brought this out in me to the extreme. So it's time to change. The beginning of new years always bring around resolutions of all sorts. Why not the beginning of the year in which my life will change more than ever (side note, this also terrifies me sometimes, but that's a post for another day)? It's time, after 20 years of life and avoiding conflicts at all costs, to live my life the way God intended me to. Yes, love others. Yes, act in a way that is worthy of love and respect. But don't idolize that respect. Instead, ignore the opinions of the world. Fix my eyes upon Jesus, "and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."