Caring

 I used to think there was something good about burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't feel things in a certain way. Thought it made me strong and brave and "not like everyone else". Now I understand that feeling and emotion is crucial. What kind of a life are you possibly living if there is no love? No pain to contrast so sharply, to make you all the more thankful when the joy of loving other people returns? No love, no hate, just plain emotionless existence. I've lived that way before. I say all the time that "I don't care". Usually it's about small decisions, like what to do in the afternoon or where to go eat. Sometimes, it's about my entire life. I've gone through periods in my life where I truly didn't care about any of it. Not the past, not the present, and especially not the future. I've lived for awhile thinking that I didn't want to ever fall in love. I didn't really think I wanted children. I thought I would be fine on my own, just living by myself, never "caring" about others in the world or if they cared about me. I know now that that is a lie.

 I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.

 I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.

 This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.

 The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.

I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.