Overflow

It's late. I have class early in the morning. But "my cup overfloweth" tonight, and I just wanted to let it out how thankful I am. Nothing special has happened today. But the Lord has blessed me so much. I am loved, treasured, and respected. I have friends who love me, a family who cares for me. A Lord who loves me more than everyone else combined and more than I can understand. I'm just grateful. And so, so blessed.

Caring

 I used to think there was something good about burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't feel things in a certain way. Thought it made me strong and brave and "not like everyone else". Now I understand that feeling and emotion is crucial. What kind of a life are you possibly living if there is no love? No pain to contrast so sharply, to make you all the more thankful when the joy of loving other people returns? No love, no hate, just plain emotionless existence. I've lived that way before. I say all the time that "I don't care". Usually it's about small decisions, like what to do in the afternoon or where to go eat. Sometimes, it's about my entire life. I've gone through periods in my life where I truly didn't care about any of it. Not the past, not the present, and especially not the future. I've lived for awhile thinking that I didn't want to ever fall in love. I didn't really think I wanted children. I thought I would be fine on my own, just living by myself, never "caring" about others in the world or if they cared about me. I know now that that is a lie.

 I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.

 I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.

 This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.

 The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.

I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.

Nineteen

(as per usual, this post is late.. but it was written on July 6th)

Exactly a year ago, I was minutes from being 18. I was freaking out (like, to the point of tears). Legal adulthood. Getting a job. Finishing school. It was all going to happen in the next year, even in the next few minutes. This year, I am sitting in my bed, much more relaxed than I was 365 days ago. I've survived the changes. And they weren't too bad. I knew they'd be gradual. I knew I wasn't being thrown out into the world to fend for myself, but I was still terrified of what being 18 meant. So many things to consider. This year there are changes coming too. I'm starting college. I'm going on a week-long trip with about 25 people I've never met to a Christian college conference... IN NEW MEXICO. I'm leaving the Bell Ringers after being with them nearly 10 years. (Half of my life, people. I've been with them HALF OF MY LIFE.) The prospect of changing friendships, new relationships, just so many changes. But this year, I'm not terrified. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy carnival ride of a year, and I can't. wait. I'm looking so forward to it. The Lord has led me through so much. He'll lead me through even more. So here's to being nineteen. May it be even better than eighteen was. (Which, my goodness, felt like the shortest year of my life. Just thought I'd mention it. This past year FLEW by.) Just 10 more minutes and it will be here...............

Life

There's an ideal life that I picture sometimes. I can't fully describe it. I know it involves brightness, and joy, and love, and happiness, and scenes that seem to belong on Pinterest. I think everyone has an ideal life. And I in no way expect that this is the life that I will find myself living someday. But it gives me something to move towards. Dreams to chase. Glimpses of beauty, sneak peeks of joy. I think it's only something that I will truly, ultimately find in heaven, this perfect life I envision sometimes. But it's still something I can try to create for myself as well as I can, with God's help. I used to think I just was just along for the ride in my life. But that's not true. I can actually take action, can shape my future. I should. I can be happy. I can find joy and beauty. I think they will always be my goals. I will always be working towards them. Always changing, always growing. And, Lord willing, growing in Him. Adding to the beauty.

Try

I think I have come to the realization that saying that I will "try my best" is rather ineffective for me. I have to choose to do my best. When I say I will try, it somehow triggers something in my brain, something that gives me a little back door out of what I need to do, telling myself that I'll try, but if I don't accomplish what I tried to do, it's okay. Nothing to worry about. At least I tried. And I unconsciously end up not trying my best. I try my mediocre-ist. Or I don't actually try at all. For example, when I sing.  I remind myself to try and sing with my diaphragm. Somehow I end up sounding flat anyway. But if I tell myself that I'm going to just do it, to just sing my heart out, I open up. I use my diaphragm without thinking about it. And I lose myself a little bit in the song. I focus on doing my best, instead of trying. And it works. It gets done. And it's more beautiful than my pathetic attempts at trying my best. I've done my best. I told myself I would. And I did it.

Laziness

Laziness vs. procrastination. Are they the same things in our minds? I think procrastination is just the less offensive name we give to laziness. If you say "I'm a procrastinator", it doesn't sound so bad as "I'm lazy". For some reason, to me anyway, "procrastination" seems to suggest a personality trait of occasionally putting things off. Not so major. Laziness implies an actual conscious choice to me. I am choosing to sit around and waste my time. But when you get down to it, I think procrastination is the same thing. It's just disguised with a nicer name. It's still a choice. It just sounds better. Less wrong. I used to tell people I procrastinated. I've been telling the hard truth lately. I'm lazy. Pure and simple. I failed a test this week because I put off studying until the last minute, and then crammed almost a whole week's worth of studying into a couple of hours. Not surprising I failed. That's how I've been lately. Putting fun before work. And I HATE IT. There's a little voice inside me, trying to just tell myself that this is "how I am, I'm just a procrastinator" and "maybe I should work on that someday". This isn't "how I am"! This is how I CHOOSE to be! This is how I've been choosing to spend my time!! I have another test on Monday and several writing projects coming up. Hopefully that big red F I just saw is enough to knock some sense into me for longer than just this moment. I've been sinning in my slothfulness. It's well past time that I take responsibility. It's time to spend my time in a better way. A way that will be pleasing to God.

Living

I live a pretty quiet (honestly a little boring) life. I don't do a whole lot, I don't socialize much besides church and bell practice, and I don't even get out of the house very often. I tend to stay in my room during most of the day, playing around online and working on the tiny school load I have right now. I go to work twice a week. That's it. That's my life. I don't make much of an effort at anything. And while the ultra-lazy side of myself absolutely loves my life, I'm generally pretty dissatisfied when I take a step back and look at what I'm doing. Or not doing.

I don't know where this thought really came from, but I used to think that Christians shouldn't have dreams. I never really consciously realized that I thought this until recently. I used to think that we should live quiet, simple lives. Not necessarily living like monks, just simply. No muss, no fuss, no big deal. Just living. I don't think Christians should live extravagantly. And don't get me wrong, I do still believe we ultimately should be satisfied with simplicity. I do not believe anymore that we should live statically. Sadly, that's pretty much how I've lived the past 18 years of my life. Granted, it's hard for a person growing up to have much control over where they go and what they do. But I've been gaining more control over my life as I come closer to adulthood, and I feel like I've been wasting it. God has given us full, colorful lives. I believe now that enjoying those lives is the way He intended us to live. I also used to think that a Christian shouldn't have any strong desires for a "dream job" or a "dream life". I don't think these dreams are a bad thing anymore. Of course, covetousness, envy, lust, and greed are all sinful, and we have to avoid these kinds of dreams. But I think God gives us our dreams to point us in a direction He wants us to go in. Maybe it's not His will that those dreams come true. But maybe it's His will to go through certain experiences while seeking our dreams.

Spring always seems like a time when I look at my life and decide to make changes. Maybe I won't make them all. But I want to make a few. I want to start wearing skirts and dresses more this year, not for special occasions, just every day. I want to make a point of intense Bible study. What am I doing when I'm checking Facebook about ten times more often than I read the Bible in a day?? I want to get a different job so I can save more and be better able to go after some dreams. I want to change my hairstyle in some way. I want to paint my fingernails often, completely disregarding the fact that the paint always chips off by the second or third day. I want to get out of my room more, maybe start doing my homework in the living room. It makes me more accountable anyway. I want to learn to put my makeup on well, but at the same time take care of my skin and wear less makeup. I want to start working on ideas for interior design projects. I want to actually take on some projects in real life, not just plan them out on paper. I want to exercise and get in shape. I want to figure out what exactly my dreams are and who I want to be. Then, it's time to get started on living this life the Lord has blessed me with, and living it well.

Darkness

So much darkness and grief around me. The world can be so gray sometimes. The loneliness and fear in this world is almost more than I can take. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories over the past few weeks. Children dying in burning homes. Cancer taking beautiful, loving mothers from their families. Shootings in theaters and malls and schools. Looking back at how Alzheimer's slowly erased an entire existence. Murders on the street. Alcohol and drugs destroying families. Sexual abuse. Abandonment. Husbands cheating on their wives. Young boys committing suicide after being bullied. Such grief. Agony. It fills every piece of you. It pushes in from every side, it crushes, it suffocates. The tears begin to fall and you wonder if they will ever stop, or if they even can ever stop. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry like you've never cried before, until you feel there's nothing left of you. You weep- true weeping, not just crying- until you fall to your knees in complete exhaustion. How are you supposed to hold yourself together when everything you knew as being good and beautiful just turned so dark and desperate?

I truly feel that it is when darkness surrounds me that I am shown light most clearly. Grace touches my spirit, it lifts my heart, and it puts the bones back into my body. I can stand again for a moment. The pain is going to return, but for that one moment, the sun is warm on my face. I manage to hear a bird singing through the constant scream of thoughts in my head. I see glimpses of beauty instead of destruction. That little boy saved six other people from the fire before he died trying to save a seventh. That mother is with the Lord at this moment. The legacy of love she left behind will continue in the children she raised in the Lord, and in her children's children after that. That's beautiful. So can we dance? Maybe it's a slow dance, holding each other tight, just to know there is someone there. It won't be joyful. It will be heartbreaking and slow. We can barely stand, let alone move. We're just barely holding on. The darkness is upon us. Move away. Take a step. Then another. Listen to the music. Maybe it's a slow song. Quiet. Let it begin to heal. Let's celebrate grace. Let's enjoy tiny moments of laughter and happiness. When grief strikes us to the ground, He holds us. He puts His loving arms around us and clutches us to Him, refusing to give us to the darkness that reaches for us.

I still feel the pain. I still see the grief. The world still seems gray around me. The clouds above me are the darkest I've ever seen, but the light is still behind them. I can feel it. Maybe I can't see it quite yet. But it's there. The heartache is so very present. But the healing is on the horizon.