Today

Just to give an update. Today the world is sunshine and roses in my mind, even though it's actually overcast and rainy outside. I almost didn't post last night knowing I would be back to normal in the morning. I look at that post from last night and think how over dramatic I was being. But honestly, I posted it because I knew I'd feel that way today. I needed to get it down, put it public that this is truthfully how I feel sometimes.  And the next day I can't really imagine what I was thinking and brush it off. I posted last night so I don't keep brushing it off. It's real feelings that overtake me sometimes that need to be dealt with, not just lived through and pretend the next day they didn't happen. They were real. I was afraid. I was overwhelmed. But today, today I'm okay.

Also I want to add that I don't believe I have depression, or even anxiety. I have moments. Short periods where I can't see out of the cloud that fills my head. But I'm always fine shortly afterward. No lasting effects. I'm not really sure what to call that. So I tend to not talk about it. But last night I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

Falling

Is it ok to let yourself fall sometimes? To just finally collapse, knowing you can build yourself back up later? When you are so overwhelmed and so anxious and so tired of being brave. I have nothing to be fearful of in my life. I am wonderfully blessed. I can't believe the beautiful life that has been given to me. So on nights like tonight when irrational, overwhelming, unexplainable fear overtake me I pretend it isn't happening. I'm not depressed. What could be depressing about my life? I'm not anxious. What is there to be fearful of? But on nights like tonight I just feel like giving in sometimes. I'm not saying this in a dangerous way, talking about giving in to depression usually leads in a harmful direction. I'm asking is it ok, just once, to let everyone know I'm really not okay tonight? To cry and scream and not be able to breathe but to do it openly, because somehow it is even more suffocating when it's held in. I'll be fine in the morning. I always am. Maybe not tomorrow night. It's the evenings that get me, I don't know why. I feel alone and afraid. I can't explain what I'm afraid of, only that I can't breathe while its got a hold on me. I want to cry. But I don't. I want to scream, but I don't. So I write.



I listened to this song and I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Then I breathed.

http://youtu.be/myn8TdSNc4k