Sometimes

 Sometimes I dream of being a singer, but I don't want to be idolized by thousands. I want to sing simple songs from my heart to my closest friends without being embarrassed if I mess up. I want to dance in circles until I'm dizzy and fall down laughing, not caring who sees me.

 Sometimes I dream of being a designer, making people happy with the everyday beauty around them. I want to bring life and color into rooms, and know people enjoyed what I did, not constantly worry that I didn't do what they wanted me to do.

 Sometimes I dream of being a writer, where the words flow from my fingertips and make perfect sense. I want to write a bestseller, but not for the money or for any fame, I just want that assurance that people liked my words. That for once, I said something I didn't regret or think could have been said better.

 Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck being a teenager with big dreams, but no plans for how to accomplish them.

 Sometimes, for all my little dreams, I think my real dream is to be a person that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to be. I want to live confidently, without caring what others think of me. Maybe this low self-esteem is all part of being a typical 18-year-old. Maybe it's just me. There are times when I don't care about my dreams. There are times when I care too much, and they're all I can think about. But I want to find a happy balance. At the end of the day, I just want to be satisfied with my accomplishments, and know that I honored the Lord through it all.

Grief

My family is about to change. A lot. The happy smiles when we're all together aren't going to be so happy anymore. This Thanksgiving, instead of being my favorite, happiest time of the year, might be full of sadness. My aunt is dying. She's had Early Onset Alzheimer's for years, and it's looking like we're coming to what might be the end. It's painful. I'm just starting to realize how much more painful it's going to become. Besides my grandfather, who died the day before I was born, we've never grieved for a family member in my lifetime. It's not something that I have experienced personally. I think what I hate the most about death is the grief and pain and sadness it brings to everyone. It's not fixable. I can't stand to see people hurting. I am glad that death means the end of pain for the person suffering, and rejoice when it means that they are going to be at last united with Christ like my aunt will be, but the destruction it sends on others' lives is what hurts me the most. I think their grief may affect me even more than my own grief affects me. I just want to be able to hug everyone long and hard and make the pain go away. I want them to stop hurting, so very, very much. But a hug won't fix this. My family has always been one of laughter and love and smiles. It's not going to be that way the next time I see them, and I'm not sure how I'll react to that. I have a hard time controlling my emotions around others. In times of serious pain, I tend to either fall to pieces, or offer a weak smile because I don't know what else to do. I feel so emotionally disconnected sometimes, but other times I feel like I am much too emotionally connected. When one of my best friends' dad was killed in a car accident a few years ago, I didn't cry at the funeral until the full realization of how much my friend and her family were hurting hit me. I literally doubled over in a pew and sobbed. I couldn't stop and finally had to walk outside for a few minutes. When a family friend's baby was stillborn, I didn't cry until I saw the mother's face. Then I almost couldn't stand it. She was hurting so much. I know it's the looks that will be in my family members' eyes that will hurt the most. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do that will change the grief they will be feeling. They are the strongest people I know, and I really don't know how I'm going to handle seeing them like this. I love them all to death but that love can't erase the pain. I know Christ is the only one who can bring true healing from grief, and that it will take time to see the light in our eyes again when we're together. But I've never wished more than I do now that there was something more I could do.

Bloom

She lived like a flower, her face turned towards the sky.

The sun smiled down on her as she constantly reached towards its warmth.

Love watered her, joy strengthened her, and peace kept her safe.

She lived for brightness and light.

She thrived in encouragement, wilted in fear, and blossomed again in freedom.

She was individual, unique, and beautiful.

She grew and was strong despite the fragility of her stem.

Planting her roots in faith, she weathered the storms and stood tall.

She was a light in the dark fields.

She opened her petals and showed the world her beauty.

And when the soft breezes touched her, she danced for joy.

Happy

I am generally a very happy person. And that's how I'm feeling tonight. Happy. Tonight, even though I had one of my "I'm an idiot" and "I-must-have-messed-something-up-again-even-though-I'm-not-exactly-sure-what-it-was" moments earlier today, I feel good. I got some stuff accomplished at home that I've been putting off for a really long time, and even though it's not a super big task, it makes me feel happy that it's done. The past few days have been kind of a blur of "meh"-ness, where I didn't feel happy and I didn't feel sad. But today was good. Nothing to talk about, nothing really important happened, but I'm back to smiling. Add to this that I've been listening to a playlist of my favorite music on Spotify tonight, and it makes me feel good. And it all just combines to make me a happy person tonight. I don't usually write a post like this, but when I feel especially good, like tonight, I just kind of want to dance around in circles and tell the world that life is good. I want it to be infectious. And I don't know exactly how to do that, but I think I'll work on it. I want to be known for spreading my joy.

Homosexuality

I have some pretty controversial ideas about homosexuality, at least when I'm around certain friends. I'm not sure if I have it right, but I do have an opinion. This post might get confusing because sometimes it's difficult for me to coherently explain my thoughts, but I'm trying as hard as I can to explain myself fully and clearly. So here we go. I believe that while homosexuality is a sin, Christians should not ignore homosexuals. It's been said over and over that Christians should show God's love to them. AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TRUE. This is what I base my views on; that we as Christians should indeed love homosexuals. I believe that wholeheartedly. But it has to go further than just saying "I will show love to you, even though I don't want to. Even though I completely disagree with how you live." It can't be something we pretend. We have to actually, fully, completely love them. And not just homosexuals. While this post is going to be talking about homosexuality, I believe the views I have here apply to any and all sin around us. We can't ignore the sin. But more than anything, we can't ignore the sinner. Who will demonstrate Christ's love if we ostracize people? But I'm talking like a person who doesn't want to love homosexuals. Before I go further, I need to explain something.

I have never minded the gay community. I guess this is a result of the message being sent to the world that homosexuality is natural and okay, and I really, deep down, have had a hard time convincing myself differently. If I were not a Christian, I would be right there in the groups promoting gay rights. I would have changed my profile picture on Facebook a few months back to an equality sign. I would have closely followed pro-gay legislation and cheered when homosexual marriages were legalized in some states. I would strongly support any gay friends I may have. I would defend them when others spoke against them. There is a voice in my head that still tries every day to explain to me that homosexuality is a natural choice for some people, and that even though I myself am not homosexual, it is perfectly normal to be that way. I am constantly reminding myself of God's view of homosexuality: {1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)} Homosexuality is wrong. It's sinful. And though my sinful heart may try and convince me otherwise, I cannot condone it for the simple reason that God says that it is wrong.

So after this revelation, I have to tell you that the whole "Christians have to love homosexuals" message is kinda pointless for me. I love them anyway. I just have to remember to hate the sin. And in doing that, I have to remember to continue loving the person. It's easy to get caught up in hatred of a sin and turn that into hating the sinner as well, or flip the other way, and love the sin as well. It's a difficult balance, but I turn to Christ to show me how to do it. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes. He didn't just love them from a distance. He is my example. He sat down with them and encouraged their friendship.

I don't approve of homosexuality, in the same way that I don't approve of heterosexual couples involving themselves in sexual immorality. It's all immoral in God's eyes. I think we generally have a harder time remembering to hate the sin of unmarried couples living together than we do remembering to hate homosexuality. Just look at that list back in 1 Corinthians that I mentioned. It doesn't just mention homosexuality. God hates any sexual sin. He hates idolatry. He hates adulterers. He hates prostitution. He hates thieves. He hates greed. He hates drunkenness. He hates abusers. He hates cheats. But it says we were cleansed and made holy. So instead of focusing so much on hating the sins of those around me, I think a much better and God-glorifying use of my time is truthfully showing God's love towards those people, and sharing His word and being a light for Him. He will cleanse them and make them new. He will show them how to deal with their sins, not me. I can't fix anyone by hating or judging them. I can't change someone by screaming Bible verses in their face. All I can do is love, and live in a way that God approves of, hating my own sin and focusing on ridding myself of it.

I didn't really do any editing on this post, because I know I'll just get lost in trying to revise what I said, and end up making more of a jumbled mess than it is now. So I'll just leave it here, hoping that I was clear, hoping that I got it right.

Longing

I am full of longing tonight. But I don't know what I'm longing for. I feel like my heart is missing something. Is it a desire for closer relationships with my family? Is it a desire for nearness to the Lord? Is it a desire for friendships? Is it a desire to fall in love? I really don't know. I've been searching my heart and I can't seem to find the answer. I've struggled with this for months now. The only word I can think of to put to this situation that seems to fully cover this feeling is "yearning". I am searching for something, aching for something that is missing. And I can't seem to find out what I need. But in the midst of this longing, there is comfort. God knows what it is. He knows what I need. He knows the desires of my heart. So I give it to Him tonight. Just like I have so many times in the past. The Lord knows. The Lord understands. Even when I don't. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my past, my present, my future. He cares. He loves. He takes it on Himself and fills the emptiness, and I am full again with His love. Maybe this emptiness is really just my heart's way of turning me to God and letting Him pour His love into me. He is my only solution. He is my healer and comforter. He fills me more than anything could. Like Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Even if it isn't exactly what my heart is telling me what it needs, I believe delight in the Lord can fill and cover those desires.

Resolutions

I feel like God has been changing me again. I am a quiet, shy person around people I don't know well. I always focus on their opinions of me and don't speak much, because (oh dear!) what if I accidentally said something that they might think is stupid, or might make them remember that I'm just the lowly teenage girl trying to fit in?! But I feel like God is pulling my focus away from worrying about their opinions of me and showing me that no matter what they may think of me, I need to show them love. I have never really had a problem loving people before- I generally love everyone I meet and instantly want to be their best friend. But I feel like God has been telling me I need to actually show that love. An encouraging word here, a big hug there, and a lot of friendly, engaging conversation (which, admittedly, is my weakest point... I am NOT good at keeping a conversation going. Gotta really work on that!). I tend to bottle up all my friendliness and shove it down inside me because I'm afraid people will think I'm annoying. I focus so much on people's opinions that, apparently, I'd rather let them think of me as a snob who doesn't want to talk to them instead of their friend. So as a result of these realizations, I'm making a few resolutions.

 Number one: to pull myself out from my shell and not be so darn afraid of people.
 Number two: to send a note occasionally just to tell someone I'm glad we're friends.
 Number three: to love everyone like Christ would love them.
 Number four: to show the love of Christ through my actions and my words. (AND USE MORE WORDS. SERIOUSLY.)
 Number five: to not be afraid to share God's Word.
 Number six: to not care if they don't love me back.

Mind you, this is all written and resolved from the comfort of my room... when I try to apply this, I know for a fact it will be much, much more difficult. So just bear with me, future friends. I'm trying.

Eighteen

Written on July 7

I’m sitting on my bed, wondering how I got here. Today was our 18^th birthday. How exactly did I turn from the little girl who held dance parties in the living room instead of folding the laundry into the “adult” I legally became today? Life so was easy when I was little. But I guess when I step back and look around, my life is still easy. I don’t have family problems, I make good grades, I have good friends, and I get along well with the people around me. I feel like I’ve changed so much, but I guess I pretty much have exactly the same life I used to have, with a few added responsibilities.  I don’t feel like an adult yet, but I don’t feel like that little girl who spun in circles until she fell onto the floor laughing and out of breath. I feel like I’m somewhere in between. And I know that’s just being a teenager, but I’m really beginning to wonder why 18-year-olds are considered adults and old enough to make serious decisions on their own. I certainly don’t feel old enough to be given the responsibilities of driving on my own, or going to college, or having a job, or voting, or maybe participating in jury duty.

 I think these thoughts are all just coming from my realizations of how much my life is about to change over the next year or two, and I’m trying to hide from it all. I’m on the edge of making choices that will influence the rest of my entire life. No more sitting at home and doing the same things all day, every day for twelve years. It’s ending. The choices and the changes are coming for me, and I don’t want them to. In fear, I tell myself that I just want to stay a teenager forever. I don’t want a job. I don’t want to vote. I don’t want to go to college. I don’t want a career, I don’t want relationships, I don’t want to be an adult. I just want things to stay exactly the way they are until I feel old enough to take care of these decisions. But at the same time, I am excited to make these choices. My life independent of my family is about to start. And it’s terrifying and thrilling at the same time. The next year might not change so many things; I’m just adding a job into the mix. But come August 2014, my life is definitely changing. I’ll be on my own and going to college. And I just don’t feel ready. I still feel like a little kid. How did eighteen creep up on me? How did these choices suddenly jump into my life? I’m so uncertain heading out into adulthood, which I know is normal. I’m just not sure where to go from here. Eighteen. It’s such a monumental age, I’ve been told.

 I think about everything I just wrote and feel like I’ve just been writing a story. Like it’s not really happening to me, that these are emotions I’ve created for a character. But I have to face the realization that I. AM. EIGHTEEN. I really am. Eighteen. It needs to sink in some more. Just looking at the word “eighteen” I think: “That can’t possibly apply to me. It never will.” But here it is. And I need to live it out well. I need to make sure I’m acting more like an adult now. Because even though I technically have two more years of being a teenager, adulthood is here in the eyes of those around me.

Mirrors

I lift my head and open my eyes.

She stares back at me from the mirror.

I see her eyes.

They show love to other people.

But they are always judgmental when they look at me.

She is critical and unforgiving.

She doesn’t care what I think of her, but she knows that I care what she thinks of me.

She knows everything about me.

And she doesn’t like me.

She enjoys pointing out the bad things.

She knows I care much too much about what other people think about me.

She knows I have a lazy and selfish side that comes out much too often.

She knows that I obsess over my past actions and words.

She knows that I am afraid of being unloved.

She knows that I am insecure.

Sometimes, I see her standing there, and I can feel her pulling me in.

She never blinks.

She just stares at me.

I walk towards her.

I can feel her disapproval as she looks at me.

The closer I walk, the farther away she seems to be.

I begin to run after her.

I don’t like her.

She hates me.

I’m not good enough.

But I’m running after her approval.

If I could just catch her, could I impress her?

If I changed the way I dress, would she like me better?

If I change who I am, will she approve?

I stop running.

I look behind me.

I’m running from a beautiful life.

Am I running to gain her admiration?

Why am I chasing after her good opinion?

I have friends.

I am loved.

I’m not perfect.

But why do I need her approval?

She shows me only the worst things about myself.

She doesn’t let me look back on how I’ve been trying to grow.

She doesn’t let me see how much I’ve depended on the Lord to change my bad habits.

She doesn’t let me see the love of my family and friends.

She doesn’t let me realize the blessings God has given me.

I turn my head in the other direction.

I see brightness and beauty.

My life is beautiful, and it’s all through Christ.

I am beautiful, and it’s through Jesus’ cleansing blood.

My past is washed clean.

My insecurities have no foothold.

My fears have no foundation.

I have Christ.

I turn from the girl I’ve been chasing after.

I follow the light.

Mirrors are skewed.

They only show the things behind you, not the things before you.

They find all the worst parts of yourself, and lay them out clearly before you.

You become focused on them.

If I stare into those eyes in the mirror for too long, I find myself being sucked into them.

All the doubt and judgment comes rushing back.

I forget the beauty that lies before me.

I forget the love that is waiting for me.

But then, I catch a glimpse of Jesus’ light.

Then, I remember.

I turn from the mirror.

I leave the girl inside it behind.

I run to Jesus.

I run to love.

Fly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEg9bCX83RU I'm just a little bit in love with this song, even though it's an old (-ish) one. "Innocent" is the word that comes to mind every time I hear it. It makes me think of quiet, happy days. I just love it.

By the way, speaking of dreams, I meant to add to my post about dreams that I don't think it's always painful for someone to give their dreams to the Lord. Sometimes you just hand them over. But I was being pretty selfish with my dreams, so it hurt. I wanted my life that I planned. What I'm trying to say is no, I don't think giving up dreams should always feel like tearing off a piece of yourself, because that pain was really just me trying to let go of the selfishness. It was wrong of me to hold onto them so tightly, and I finally realized that and I let them go. They're in God's hands now, and I'm free. He's the Planner of the future. His plans are infinitely better than mine. So I'm going to wait for Him to show them to me, and try to continue giving Him any of my own plans along the way.

Alive

 Natalie Grant~ Alive

"Who but You, could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies and dream of me?
What kind of Love is writing my story till the end with Mercy's pen?
Only You.
What kind of King would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?
What kind of Love tells me I'm the reason He can't stay inside the grave?
You. Is it You? Standing here before my eyes, every part of my heart cries

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive!

Who could speak, and send the demons back from where they came with just one Name?
What other heart would let itself be broken every time till He healed mine?
You. Only You could turn my darkness into dawn; running right into Your arms

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is

Emmanuel, the promised King the baby who made angels sing
Son of Man who walked with us, healing, breathing in our dust
The author of all history, the answer to all mysteries
The Lamb of God who rolled away, the stone in front of every grave

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! I am His because He is alive.
Alive!"

Once

once upon a story, there was a girl.

there was a girl who liked simplicity more than anything,
who liked beautiful words and big ideas,
but found that writing with simple words
from her simple heart
made more sense to her than anything.

once upon a story, there was a girl who'd dreamed so much of being a writer,
that she used to practice every day.
her journal was filled with beginnings and endings of stories.
but she never seemed to know what the middle should be.

once upon a story, there was a girl who realized
the middle is really the most important part,
the realest part.
but the middle should be discovered slowly:
ever so slowly;
with beautiful, tiny pieces at a time.

once upon a story, the middle was her life.
a lovely, sometimes awful thing that told the real story of the girl.
a beautiful picture of a simple life changed through grace
from a Father who loved her more than anything.

once upon a story, the Father changed everything for the girl.

once upon a story, a girl loved life.

once upon a lifetime, that girl was me.

Dreams

I didn't used to realize what a dreamer I am. I used to think that I had a few plans for the future, but no dreams that I held tight to. But I realized the other day that I do have dreams, a lot of them. I dream of getting into LSU and majoring in interior design. I dream of having a successful job, of being known for my designs. I dream of working and living in Austin for a little while. I dream of living alone there for a few years as a single girl, in my own apartment. I dream of my wedding. I dream of actually being married. I dream of having kids, lots of them, several boys and a couple of girls. I dream of quitting my interior design job, moving from big cities to a small town, and owning a big white house on a big piece of property, far from any roads and with big, open rooms and big windows to let in the natural light. In this big house, I dream of a crazy, happy, simple life. I dream of several big dogs constantly running around and a big, overgrown garden, surrounded by big, beautiful trees. I dream of a swing under a tree in the front yard where my kids will play in the evenings. I dream of this life. It's been my dream for a long time, and I've never realized it.

Then, the other day, I started wondering if this really is God's plan for my life. I seriously questioned myself for a long time that night, and it was painful. I had to realize I had dreams, had to realize that they would all be so very changed if this wasn't His plan, and had to give them all to Him. It literally felt as if I was reaching inside of me, physically detaching a part of myself I hadn't even realized was there, and handing it to God. It hurt. A lot. I hadn't realized how hard I was holding on to them. But I felt relieved after. I felt scraped clean of my expectations and ready for anything God had planned for me. I still hope at least parts of these dreams happen. It's a beautiful dream, right? But I also realize that my life will be equally amazing no matter what His plans are. I'm looking to Him now for the plans of my life, for the dreams He has for me, because they aren't dreams to Him. They're my beautiful future, and He knows already what it's going to be. He's already waiting for me at the end of it. Even if it's painful and not beautiful to me at the time, my future will be glorious because it will be HIS plan, not mine.

"From where You're standing, Lord, You see a grand design that You imagined when You breathed me into life. And all the chaos comes together in Your hands like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan. And when I'm lost in the mystery, to You my future is a memory, cause You're already there, You're already there, standing at the end of my life, waiting on the other side; and You're already there, You're already there. One day I'll stand before You and look back on the life I've lived. I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit..." ~Casting Crowns, "Already There"

Jeremiah 29:11"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Anticipation

Is it weird that I'm reallllly looking forward to the next five years of my life? I'm technically a senior this year, although we'll be taking a year out between 12th grade and graduation to get jobs and do extra classes we need before college. So therefore, I have five years until college graduation. And I'm seriously looking forward to it. I can't wait to get a job this summer and do some easier courses next fall. I think 2013 going to be pretty good. And THEN. College awaits! I really think I've made up my mind to go into interior design. Everything about it absolutely fascinates me. In fact, I'm starting up a new blog, (http://lightandloveandbliss.blogspot.com/) mostly to repost some of my favorite design pictures I've found, maybe lay out a few room ideas that keep popping into my head, and possibly document a little of the journey to becoming an interior designer. It sounds lame, but one of my main goals in life to be the next Mrs. French (her Pinterest is amazzzing- http://pinterest.com/tracif/). Keep in mind, this is a startup new blog, it looks awful now, but I plan to do some big things with it. I have a friend who has a friend who designs blogs as a side highschool job, and she is amazing. I might have her help me with it! Anyway, I really think the next five years are going to be incredible. I really can't wait to go to college. The classes I'm looking at taking look like a lot of fun and super interesting. I'm looking so forward to being on my own, making new friends, and starting my own life. Who knows what the next five years have in store for me? I sure don't, but I can't wait.

Blissful

Staring out the window at a totally gorgeous day instead of doing homework is a much lovelier way to spend an afternoon, in my opinion. The wind is blowing softly, just a few gusts that, if I were outside, would blow my hair around my face in that way that I love. It's chilly, but the bright sun shining down and warming the earth makes up for that. The mud from the past few rainy days has disappeared enough to create the perfect state for dirt; the ground is moist, but not truly wet, and the sunshine gently warms it, giving the air an earthy smell. Due to the recent warm, wet weather, our plants convinced it was early spring instead of late winter, and beautiful buds now cover the plants. The sky is a flawless, brilliant blue, with just a few puffy clouds dancing their way across the horizon. I see that the the tree line in the distance is still bare, without a single touch of green, while the grass is beginning to flourish again, and wild daisies have begun to spring up in the pasture across our road. The light is beginning to change as early evening sets in. It's a good day, a blissful day.