Dreams

I didn't used to realize what a dreamer I am. I used to think that I had a few plans for the future, but no dreams that I held tight to. But I realized the other day that I do have dreams, a lot of them. I dream of getting into LSU and majoring in interior design. I dream of having a successful job, of being known for my designs. I dream of working and living in Austin for a little while. I dream of living alone there for a few years as a single girl, in my own apartment. I dream of my wedding. I dream of actually being married. I dream of having kids, lots of them, several boys and a couple of girls. I dream of quitting my interior design job, moving from big cities to a small town, and owning a big white house on a big piece of property, far from any roads and with big, open rooms and big windows to let in the natural light. In this big house, I dream of a crazy, happy, simple life. I dream of several big dogs constantly running around and a big, overgrown garden, surrounded by big, beautiful trees. I dream of a swing under a tree in the front yard where my kids will play in the evenings. I dream of this life. It's been my dream for a long time, and I've never realized it.

Then, the other day, I started wondering if this really is God's plan for my life. I seriously questioned myself for a long time that night, and it was painful. I had to realize I had dreams, had to realize that they would all be so very changed if this wasn't His plan, and had to give them all to Him. It literally felt as if I was reaching inside of me, physically detaching a part of myself I hadn't even realized was there, and handing it to God. It hurt. A lot. I hadn't realized how hard I was holding on to them. But I felt relieved after. I felt scraped clean of my expectations and ready for anything God had planned for me. I still hope at least parts of these dreams happen. It's a beautiful dream, right? But I also realize that my life will be equally amazing no matter what His plans are. I'm looking to Him now for the plans of my life, for the dreams He has for me, because they aren't dreams to Him. They're my beautiful future, and He knows already what it's going to be. He's already waiting for me at the end of it. Even if it's painful and not beautiful to me at the time, my future will be glorious because it will be HIS plan, not mine.

"From where You're standing, Lord, You see a grand design that You imagined when You breathed me into life. And all the chaos comes together in Your hands like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan. And when I'm lost in the mystery, to You my future is a memory, cause You're already there, You're already there, standing at the end of my life, waiting on the other side; and You're already there, You're already there. One day I'll stand before You and look back on the life I've lived. I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit..." ~Casting Crowns, "Already There"

Jeremiah 29:11"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"