Grief

My family is about to change. A lot. The happy smiles when we're all together aren't going to be so happy anymore. This Thanksgiving, instead of being my favorite, happiest time of the year, might be full of sadness. My aunt is dying. She's had Early Onset Alzheimer's for years, and it's looking like we're coming to what might be the end. It's painful. I'm just starting to realize how much more painful it's going to become. Besides my grandfather, who died the day before I was born, we've never grieved for a family member in my lifetime. It's not something that I have experienced personally. I think what I hate the most about death is the grief and pain and sadness it brings to everyone. It's not fixable. I can't stand to see people hurting. I am glad that death means the end of pain for the person suffering, and rejoice when it means that they are going to be at last united with Christ like my aunt will be, but the destruction it sends on others' lives is what hurts me the most. I think their grief may affect me even more than my own grief affects me. I just want to be able to hug everyone long and hard and make the pain go away. I want them to stop hurting, so very, very much. But a hug won't fix this. My family has always been one of laughter and love and smiles. It's not going to be that way the next time I see them, and I'm not sure how I'll react to that. I have a hard time controlling my emotions around others. In times of serious pain, I tend to either fall to pieces, or offer a weak smile because I don't know what else to do. I feel so emotionally disconnected sometimes, but other times I feel like I am much too emotionally connected. When one of my best friends' dad was killed in a car accident a few years ago, I didn't cry at the funeral until the full realization of how much my friend and her family were hurting hit me. I literally doubled over in a pew and sobbed. I couldn't stop and finally had to walk outside for a few minutes. When a family friend's baby was stillborn, I didn't cry until I saw the mother's face. Then I almost couldn't stand it. She was hurting so much. I know it's the looks that will be in my family members' eyes that will hurt the most. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do that will change the grief they will be feeling. They are the strongest people I know, and I really don't know how I'm going to handle seeing them like this. I love them all to death but that love can't erase the pain. I know Christ is the only one who can bring true healing from grief, and that it will take time to see the light in our eyes again when we're together. But I've never wished more than I do now that there was something more I could do.