Read

After a little over three years, I can say that I've done it. I have now read the entire Bible. This wasn't a goal I originally planned to meet. It wasn't some bucket list item, and I didn't use a "read the Bible in a year" program (obviously, since it's been more than three years). It started with a fear, and anxiousness, that nothing seemed to be helping. When I was about 15 or 16, I had nearly constant sleepless nights and anxious feelings. There was never any apparent cause, and nothing I did seemed to calm me down. One night, when I was just too anxious to sleep and upset for seemingly no reason at all, I picked up my Bible and read Psalm 1. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked." It was such a short chapter, and I continued to read the next few chapters of Psalms. I calmed down some and was able to sleep. The next night, I did the same thing, reading just one chapter. And again the next night. And again. I read through Psalms. Then Proverbs. Then Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon. For some reason I jumped to Matthew, and read the gospels. Then Paul's letters. And then I decided to finish reading the New Testament. And then it became a goal- at least one chapter a night until I had read every word God had given to me. Over the course of this reading, my anxiety disappeared. Of course I still get upset. Of course I still worry. But that constant fear, the long sleepless nights? They gradually left. As I approached the end, I wondered for a second, what will I do when there's nothing left to read? The answer is obvious. Stay in the Word. Start over. So starting tomorrow, I'm doing it again. At least a chapter a night. I can't just stop. Now that I've started, it's impossible for me to stop reading the Word. I hope I never do.

Maturity

I see it everywhere I turn. How immature I am. I have a standard of who I should be by now and almost no parts of my life match up to that standard. I have goals for the future, but none of those will ever be accomplished if I don't become a mature adult. And I don't mean physically. Physically, legally, I guess you could call me a woman. Or very close to that. A young woman, obviously, but I fit most of the standards. Physically, I have matured. I have grown. But spiritually, emotionally, and in almost every aspect of how I live my life, I still act as though I just started high school. This is a common problem among young adults, a lack of maturity. I've always hoped to be ahead of the crowd, more mature than some of my friends, more responsible and focused. Instead, I find myself right in there with the rest of them, making choices that aren't the wisest, and living my life in a way where I can get by without really trying. These choices, mostly stemming from pure laziness and selfishness, resulted in me having to repeat a class this next semester. It almost made me lose nearly $9,000 in scholarships. I don't think I could've continued school without that scholarship, at least not for long. I have high hopes, big dreams and expectations of where I would like to be in a few years. But then I look at my room that I haven't even tried to clean for two weeks. I think about the insane hours I've been keeping, going to bed at one or two in the morning and trying to wake up at 7:30. It's little things in my life that make me realize that I am so not a mature woman. I am an irresponsible girl. And I am ashamed of that. This isn't specifically intended to be a New Year's resolution or anything, to try to mature and become responsible. It just happens to come right after the new year begins. But it's gone to far. My unwillingness to work and take responsibility, my desire to just sit on my bed all day and read, or listen to music, or watch TV, do not indicate any type of growth. And it's time for that to change.