Fear

Fear sometimes grabs at me and won't let go. Irrational, ridiculous fears for the most part. Sometimes they’re nameless, and I’m not entirely sure what I’m afraid of. But sometimes they are truly troubling, and I think the root cause is not reading God's Word on a regular basis. When I stopped reading it most recently, I literally didn’t care what the world did to me. I felt like there was no hope. I knew the cure; continue reading the Bible. It truly is an oasis to my soul. If I read it every day I would feel myself growing in Him. I love that feeling. But when I somehow fell out of the pattern of Bible study, Satan took hold of my soul and filled my life with excuses for why I just couldn’t seem to “find the time” to read the Word of God. Then the fear returned. I knew this was sin. Could it be that I was simply fooling myself into believing I am truly saved? I want nothing more than eternal life with Christ, but did I desire it simply because I don't want the eternal pain of hell? I feared sometimes that I'd just been pretending and didn't even realize it. I took a step back and looked at my life. I had a hard time sleeping some nights as questions burned through my mind. Am I not a Christian because I don’t read my Bible frequently? Am I not a Christian because I disobey my parents? Am I not a Christian because I am afraid to witness? Am I not a Christian because I'm lazy? Am I not a Christian because I see the way out of temptation and don’t want to take it and then I continue in my sin? Or was this all just a dark time where I could see every fault and crack in my Christianity? I felt like I couldn’t see God. I felt desperate and alone, even when friends told me how much they loved me or that they liked being around me. It wasn’t depression, I was just terrified of not being God’s child. This was not one of the irrational fears that I have trouble with occasionally. Somehow I couldn’t bring myself to run to the shelter and love of His Word. “What is wrong with me?” kept running through my thoughts. I thought I couldn’t get back into reading the Bible if I didn’t have a desire. But a Bible study I heard changed my mind. Everyone goes through dark periods where they have no desire to continue reading God’s Word. But it’s no excuse. The only way I would ever get back that desire was to read the Bible anyway, regardless of if I wanted to or not. I began reading through Proverbs. It was not as refreshing as I’d hoped. I didn’t understand many of the Proverbs and most days it seemed it was all going in one ear and out the other. I love history, so I thought going through Acts might be easier, so the night after I finished Proverbs 31, I began reading Acts 1. It was amazing. Reading about the lives of the apostles in the early church, I could picture myself there. I could almost hear Peter and Paul preaching to the crowds. I understood what they were telling me, and I could feel the darkness and despair falling away. Examples of how to live as Christians and reminders of the love of Christ filled my soul again. After finishing Acts, I went on to Romans. Then I jumped into John. Then First and Second Corinthians. Each night I continually feel myself growing more. The love of Christ fills me and lifts me up. I finally have found peace.