Resolutions

I feel like God has been changing me again. I am a quiet, shy person around people I don't know well. I always focus on their opinions of me and don't speak much, because (oh dear!) what if I accidentally said something that they might think is stupid, or might make them remember that I'm just the lowly teenage girl trying to fit in?! But I feel like God is pulling my focus away from worrying about their opinions of me and showing me that no matter what they may think of me, I need to show them love. I have never really had a problem loving people before- I generally love everyone I meet and instantly want to be their best friend. But I feel like God has been telling me I need to actually show that love. An encouraging word here, a big hug there, and a lot of friendly, engaging conversation (which, admittedly, is my weakest point... I am NOT good at keeping a conversation going. Gotta really work on that!). I tend to bottle up all my friendliness and shove it down inside me because I'm afraid people will think I'm annoying. I focus so much on people's opinions that, apparently, I'd rather let them think of me as a snob who doesn't want to talk to them instead of their friend. So as a result of these realizations, I'm making a few resolutions.

 Number one: to pull myself out from my shell and not be so darn afraid of people.
 Number two: to send a note occasionally just to tell someone I'm glad we're friends.
 Number three: to love everyone like Christ would love them.
 Number four: to show the love of Christ through my actions and my words. (AND USE MORE WORDS. SERIOUSLY.)
 Number five: to not be afraid to share God's Word.
 Number six: to not care if they don't love me back.

Mind you, this is all written and resolved from the comfort of my room... when I try to apply this, I know for a fact it will be much, much more difficult. So just bear with me, future friends. I'm trying.

Eighteen

Written on July 7

I’m sitting on my bed, wondering how I got here. Today was our 18^th birthday. How exactly did I turn from the little girl who held dance parties in the living room instead of folding the laundry into the “adult” I legally became today? Life so was easy when I was little. But I guess when I step back and look around, my life is still easy. I don’t have family problems, I make good grades, I have good friends, and I get along well with the people around me. I feel like I’ve changed so much, but I guess I pretty much have exactly the same life I used to have, with a few added responsibilities.  I don’t feel like an adult yet, but I don’t feel like that little girl who spun in circles until she fell onto the floor laughing and out of breath. I feel like I’m somewhere in between. And I know that’s just being a teenager, but I’m really beginning to wonder why 18-year-olds are considered adults and old enough to make serious decisions on their own. I certainly don’t feel old enough to be given the responsibilities of driving on my own, or going to college, or having a job, or voting, or maybe participating in jury duty.

 I think these thoughts are all just coming from my realizations of how much my life is about to change over the next year or two, and I’m trying to hide from it all. I’m on the edge of making choices that will influence the rest of my entire life. No more sitting at home and doing the same things all day, every day for twelve years. It’s ending. The choices and the changes are coming for me, and I don’t want them to. In fear, I tell myself that I just want to stay a teenager forever. I don’t want a job. I don’t want to vote. I don’t want to go to college. I don’t want a career, I don’t want relationships, I don’t want to be an adult. I just want things to stay exactly the way they are until I feel old enough to take care of these decisions. But at the same time, I am excited to make these choices. My life independent of my family is about to start. And it’s terrifying and thrilling at the same time. The next year might not change so many things; I’m just adding a job into the mix. But come August 2014, my life is definitely changing. I’ll be on my own and going to college. And I just don’t feel ready. I still feel like a little kid. How did eighteen creep up on me? How did these choices suddenly jump into my life? I’m so uncertain heading out into adulthood, which I know is normal. I’m just not sure where to go from here. Eighteen. It’s such a monumental age, I’ve been told.

 I think about everything I just wrote and feel like I’ve just been writing a story. Like it’s not really happening to me, that these are emotions I’ve created for a character. But I have to face the realization that I. AM. EIGHTEEN. I really am. Eighteen. It needs to sink in some more. Just looking at the word “eighteen” I think: “That can’t possibly apply to me. It never will.” But here it is. And I need to live it out well. I need to make sure I’m acting more like an adult now. Because even though I technically have two more years of being a teenager, adulthood is here in the eyes of those around me.