Resolutions

I feel like God has been changing me again. I am a quiet, shy person around people I don't know well. I always focus on their opinions of me and don't speak much, because (oh dear!) what if I accidentally said something that they might think is stupid, or might make them remember that I'm just the lowly teenage girl trying to fit in?! But I feel like God is pulling my focus away from worrying about their opinions of me and showing me that no matter what they may think of me, I need to show them love. I have never really had a problem loving people before- I generally love everyone I meet and instantly want to be their best friend. But I feel like God has been telling me I need to actually show that love. An encouraging word here, a big hug there, and a lot of friendly, engaging conversation (which, admittedly, is my weakest point... I am NOT good at keeping a conversation going. Gotta really work on that!). I tend to bottle up all my friendliness and shove it down inside me because I'm afraid people will think I'm annoying. I focus so much on people's opinions that, apparently, I'd rather let them think of me as a snob who doesn't want to talk to them instead of their friend. So as a result of these realizations, I'm making a few resolutions.

 Number one: to pull myself out from my shell and not be so darn afraid of people.
 Number two: to send a note occasionally just to tell someone I'm glad we're friends.
 Number three: to love everyone like Christ would love them.
 Number four: to show the love of Christ through my actions and my words. (AND USE MORE WORDS. SERIOUSLY.)
 Number five: to not be afraid to share God's Word.
 Number six: to not care if they don't love me back.

Mind you, this is all written and resolved from the comfort of my room... when I try to apply this, I know for a fact it will be much, much more difficult. So just bear with me, future friends. I'm trying.

Eighteen

Written on July 7

I’m sitting on my bed, wondering how I got here. Today was our 18^th birthday. How exactly did I turn from the little girl who held dance parties in the living room instead of folding the laundry into the “adult” I legally became today? Life so was easy when I was little. But I guess when I step back and look around, my life is still easy. I don’t have family problems, I make good grades, I have good friends, and I get along well with the people around me. I feel like I’ve changed so much, but I guess I pretty much have exactly the same life I used to have, with a few added responsibilities.  I don’t feel like an adult yet, but I don’t feel like that little girl who spun in circles until she fell onto the floor laughing and out of breath. I feel like I’m somewhere in between. And I know that’s just being a teenager, but I’m really beginning to wonder why 18-year-olds are considered adults and old enough to make serious decisions on their own. I certainly don’t feel old enough to be given the responsibilities of driving on my own, or going to college, or having a job, or voting, or maybe participating in jury duty.

 I think these thoughts are all just coming from my realizations of how much my life is about to change over the next year or two, and I’m trying to hide from it all. I’m on the edge of making choices that will influence the rest of my entire life. No more sitting at home and doing the same things all day, every day for twelve years. It’s ending. The choices and the changes are coming for me, and I don’t want them to. In fear, I tell myself that I just want to stay a teenager forever. I don’t want a job. I don’t want to vote. I don’t want to go to college. I don’t want a career, I don’t want relationships, I don’t want to be an adult. I just want things to stay exactly the way they are until I feel old enough to take care of these decisions. But at the same time, I am excited to make these choices. My life independent of my family is about to start. And it’s terrifying and thrilling at the same time. The next year might not change so many things; I’m just adding a job into the mix. But come August 2014, my life is definitely changing. I’ll be on my own and going to college. And I just don’t feel ready. I still feel like a little kid. How did eighteen creep up on me? How did these choices suddenly jump into my life? I’m so uncertain heading out into adulthood, which I know is normal. I’m just not sure where to go from here. Eighteen. It’s such a monumental age, I’ve been told.

 I think about everything I just wrote and feel like I’ve just been writing a story. Like it’s not really happening to me, that these are emotions I’ve created for a character. But I have to face the realization that I. AM. EIGHTEEN. I really am. Eighteen. It needs to sink in some more. Just looking at the word “eighteen” I think: “That can’t possibly apply to me. It never will.” But here it is. And I need to live it out well. I need to make sure I’m acting more like an adult now. Because even though I technically have two more years of being a teenager, adulthood is here in the eyes of those around me.

Mirrors

I lift my head and open my eyes.

She stares back at me from the mirror.

I see her eyes.

They show love to other people.

But they are always judgmental when they look at me.

She is critical and unforgiving.

She doesn’t care what I think of her, but she knows that I care what she thinks of me.

She knows everything about me.

And she doesn’t like me.

She enjoys pointing out the bad things.

She knows I care much too much about what other people think about me.

She knows I have a lazy and selfish side that comes out much too often.

She knows that I obsess over my past actions and words.

She knows that I am afraid of being unloved.

She knows that I am insecure.

Sometimes, I see her standing there, and I can feel her pulling me in.

She never blinks.

She just stares at me.

I walk towards her.

I can feel her disapproval as she looks at me.

The closer I walk, the farther away she seems to be.

I begin to run after her.

I don’t like her.

She hates me.

I’m not good enough.

But I’m running after her approval.

If I could just catch her, could I impress her?

If I changed the way I dress, would she like me better?

If I change who I am, will she approve?

I stop running.

I look behind me.

I’m running from a beautiful life.

Am I running to gain her admiration?

Why am I chasing after her good opinion?

I have friends.

I am loved.

I’m not perfect.

But why do I need her approval?

She shows me only the worst things about myself.

She doesn’t let me look back on how I’ve been trying to grow.

She doesn’t let me see how much I’ve depended on the Lord to change my bad habits.

She doesn’t let me see the love of my family and friends.

She doesn’t let me realize the blessings God has given me.

I turn my head in the other direction.

I see brightness and beauty.

My life is beautiful, and it’s all through Christ.

I am beautiful, and it’s through Jesus’ cleansing blood.

My past is washed clean.

My insecurities have no foothold.

My fears have no foundation.

I have Christ.

I turn from the girl I’ve been chasing after.

I follow the light.

Mirrors are skewed.

They only show the things behind you, not the things before you.

They find all the worst parts of yourself, and lay them out clearly before you.

You become focused on them.

If I stare into those eyes in the mirror for too long, I find myself being sucked into them.

All the doubt and judgment comes rushing back.

I forget the beauty that lies before me.

I forget the love that is waiting for me.

But then, I catch a glimpse of Jesus’ light.

Then, I remember.

I turn from the mirror.

I leave the girl inside it behind.

I run to Jesus.

I run to love.

Fly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEg9bCX83RU I'm just a little bit in love with this song, even though it's an old (-ish) one. "Innocent" is the word that comes to mind every time I hear it. It makes me think of quiet, happy days. I just love it.

By the way, speaking of dreams, I meant to add to my post about dreams that I don't think it's always painful for someone to give their dreams to the Lord. Sometimes you just hand them over. But I was being pretty selfish with my dreams, so it hurt. I wanted my life that I planned. What I'm trying to say is no, I don't think giving up dreams should always feel like tearing off a piece of yourself, because that pain was really just me trying to let go of the selfishness. It was wrong of me to hold onto them so tightly, and I finally realized that and I let them go. They're in God's hands now, and I'm free. He's the Planner of the future. His plans are infinitely better than mine. So I'm going to wait for Him to show them to me, and try to continue giving Him any of my own plans along the way.

Alive

 Natalie Grant~ Alive

"Who but You, could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies and dream of me?
What kind of Love is writing my story till the end with Mercy's pen?
Only You.
What kind of King would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart?
What kind of Love tells me I'm the reason He can't stay inside the grave?
You. Is it You? Standing here before my eyes, every part of my heart cries

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive!

Who could speak, and send the demons back from where they came with just one Name?
What other heart would let itself be broken every time till He healed mine?
You. Only You could turn my darkness into dawn; running right into Your arms

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is

Emmanuel, the promised King the baby who made angels sing
Son of Man who walked with us, healing, breathing in our dust
The author of all history, the answer to all mysteries
The Lamb of God who rolled away, the stone in front of every grave

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy's overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! I am His because He is alive.
Alive!"

Once

once upon a story, there was a girl.

there was a girl who liked simplicity more than anything,
who liked beautiful words and big ideas,
but found that writing with simple words
from her simple heart
made more sense to her than anything.

once upon a story, there was a girl who'd dreamed so much of being a writer,
that she used to practice every day.
her journal was filled with beginnings and endings of stories.
but she never seemed to know what the middle should be.

once upon a story, there was a girl who realized
the middle is really the most important part,
the realest part.
but the middle should be discovered slowly:
ever so slowly;
with beautiful, tiny pieces at a time.

once upon a story, the middle was her life.
a lovely, sometimes awful thing that told the real story of the girl.
a beautiful picture of a simple life changed through grace
from a Father who loved her more than anything.

once upon a story, the Father changed everything for the girl.

once upon a story, a girl loved life.

once upon a lifetime, that girl was me.

Dreams

I didn't used to realize what a dreamer I am. I used to think that I had a few plans for the future, but no dreams that I held tight to. But I realized the other day that I do have dreams, a lot of them. I dream of getting into LSU and majoring in interior design. I dream of having a successful job, of being known for my designs. I dream of working and living in Austin for a little while. I dream of living alone there for a few years as a single girl, in my own apartment. I dream of my wedding. I dream of actually being married. I dream of having kids, lots of them, several boys and a couple of girls. I dream of quitting my interior design job, moving from big cities to a small town, and owning a big white house on a big piece of property, far from any roads and with big, open rooms and big windows to let in the natural light. In this big house, I dream of a crazy, happy, simple life. I dream of several big dogs constantly running around and a big, overgrown garden, surrounded by big, beautiful trees. I dream of a swing under a tree in the front yard where my kids will play in the evenings. I dream of this life. It's been my dream for a long time, and I've never realized it.

Then, the other day, I started wondering if this really is God's plan for my life. I seriously questioned myself for a long time that night, and it was painful. I had to realize I had dreams, had to realize that they would all be so very changed if this wasn't His plan, and had to give them all to Him. It literally felt as if I was reaching inside of me, physically detaching a part of myself I hadn't even realized was there, and handing it to God. It hurt. A lot. I hadn't realized how hard I was holding on to them. But I felt relieved after. I felt scraped clean of my expectations and ready for anything God had planned for me. I still hope at least parts of these dreams happen. It's a beautiful dream, right? But I also realize that my life will be equally amazing no matter what His plans are. I'm looking to Him now for the plans of my life, for the dreams He has for me, because they aren't dreams to Him. They're my beautiful future, and He knows already what it's going to be. He's already waiting for me at the end of it. Even if it's painful and not beautiful to me at the time, my future will be glorious because it will be HIS plan, not mine.

"From where You're standing, Lord, You see a grand design that You imagined when You breathed me into life. And all the chaos comes together in Your hands like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan. And when I'm lost in the mystery, to You my future is a memory, cause You're already there, You're already there, standing at the end of my life, waiting on the other side; and You're already there, You're already there. One day I'll stand before You and look back on the life I've lived. I can't wait to enjoy the view and see how all the pieces fit..." ~Casting Crowns, "Already There"

Jeremiah 29:11"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"