Read

After a little over three years, I can say that I've done it. I have now read the entire Bible. This wasn't a goal I originally planned to meet. It wasn't some bucket list item, and I didn't use a "read the Bible in a year" program (obviously, since it's been more than three years). It started with a fear, and anxiousness, that nothing seemed to be helping. When I was about 15 or 16, I had nearly constant sleepless nights and anxious feelings. There was never any apparent cause, and nothing I did seemed to calm me down. One night, when I was just too anxious to sleep and upset for seemingly no reason at all, I picked up my Bible and read Psalm 1. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked." It was such a short chapter, and I continued to read the next few chapters of Psalms. I calmed down some and was able to sleep. The next night, I did the same thing, reading just one chapter. And again the next night. And again. I read through Psalms. Then Proverbs. Then Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon. For some reason I jumped to Matthew, and read the gospels. Then Paul's letters. And then I decided to finish reading the New Testament. And then it became a goal- at least one chapter a night until I had read every word God had given to me. Over the course of this reading, my anxiety disappeared. Of course I still get upset. Of course I still worry. But that constant fear, the long sleepless nights? They gradually left. As I approached the end, I wondered for a second, what will I do when there's nothing left to read? The answer is obvious. Stay in the Word. Start over. So starting tomorrow, I'm doing it again. At least a chapter a night. I can't just stop. Now that I've started, it's impossible for me to stop reading the Word. I hope I never do.

Maturity

I see it everywhere I turn. How immature I am. I have a standard of who I should be by now and almost no parts of my life match up to that standard. I have goals for the future, but none of those will ever be accomplished if I don't become a mature adult. And I don't mean physically. Physically, legally, I guess you could call me a woman. Or very close to that. A young woman, obviously, but I fit most of the standards. Physically, I have matured. I have grown. But spiritually, emotionally, and in almost every aspect of how I live my life, I still act as though I just started high school. This is a common problem among young adults, a lack of maturity. I've always hoped to be ahead of the crowd, more mature than some of my friends, more responsible and focused. Instead, I find myself right in there with the rest of them, making choices that aren't the wisest, and living my life in a way where I can get by without really trying. These choices, mostly stemming from pure laziness and selfishness, resulted in me having to repeat a class this next semester. It almost made me lose nearly $9,000 in scholarships. I don't think I could've continued school without that scholarship, at least not for long. I have high hopes, big dreams and expectations of where I would like to be in a few years. But then I look at my room that I haven't even tried to clean for two weeks. I think about the insane hours I've been keeping, going to bed at one or two in the morning and trying to wake up at 7:30. It's little things in my life that make me realize that I am so not a mature woman. I am an irresponsible girl. And I am ashamed of that. This isn't specifically intended to be a New Year's resolution or anything, to try to mature and become responsible. It just happens to come right after the new year begins. But it's gone to far. My unwillingness to work and take responsibility, my desire to just sit on my bed all day and read, or listen to music, or watch TV, do not indicate any type of growth. And it's time for that to change.

Overflow

It's late. I have class early in the morning. But "my cup overfloweth" tonight, and I just wanted to let it out how thankful I am. Nothing special has happened today. But the Lord has blessed me so much. I am loved, treasured, and respected. I have friends who love me, a family who cares for me. A Lord who loves me more than everyone else combined and more than I can understand. I'm just grateful. And so, so blessed.

Caring

 I used to think there was something good about burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't feel things in a certain way. Thought it made me strong and brave and "not like everyone else". Now I understand that feeling and emotion is crucial. What kind of a life are you possibly living if there is no love? No pain to contrast so sharply, to make you all the more thankful when the joy of loving other people returns? No love, no hate, just plain emotionless existence. I've lived that way before. I say all the time that "I don't care". Usually it's about small decisions, like what to do in the afternoon or where to go eat. Sometimes, it's about my entire life. I've gone through periods in my life where I truly didn't care about any of it. Not the past, not the present, and especially not the future. I've lived for awhile thinking that I didn't want to ever fall in love. I didn't really think I wanted children. I thought I would be fine on my own, just living by myself, never "caring" about others in the world or if they cared about me. I know now that that is a lie.

 I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.

 I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.

 This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.

 The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.

I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.

Nineteen

(as per usual, this post is late.. but it was written on July 6th)

Exactly a year ago, I was minutes from being 18. I was freaking out (like, to the point of tears). Legal adulthood. Getting a job. Finishing school. It was all going to happen in the next year, even in the next few minutes. This year, I am sitting in my bed, much more relaxed than I was 365 days ago. I've survived the changes. And they weren't too bad. I knew they'd be gradual. I knew I wasn't being thrown out into the world to fend for myself, but I was still terrified of what being 18 meant. So many things to consider. This year there are changes coming too. I'm starting college. I'm going on a week-long trip with about 25 people I've never met to a Christian college conference... IN NEW MEXICO. I'm leaving the Bell Ringers after being with them nearly 10 years. (Half of my life, people. I've been with them HALF OF MY LIFE.) The prospect of changing friendships, new relationships, just so many changes. But this year, I'm not terrified. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy carnival ride of a year, and I can't. wait. I'm looking so forward to it. The Lord has led me through so much. He'll lead me through even more. So here's to being nineteen. May it be even better than eighteen was. (Which, my goodness, felt like the shortest year of my life. Just thought I'd mention it. This past year FLEW by.) Just 10 more minutes and it will be here...............

Life

There's an ideal life that I picture sometimes. I can't fully describe it. I know it involves brightness, and joy, and love, and happiness, and scenes that seem to belong on Pinterest. I think everyone has an ideal life. And I in no way expect that this is the life that I will find myself living someday. But it gives me something to move towards. Dreams to chase. Glimpses of beauty, sneak peeks of joy. I think it's only something that I will truly, ultimately find in heaven, this perfect life I envision sometimes. But it's still something I can try to create for myself as well as I can, with God's help. I used to think I just was just along for the ride in my life. But that's not true. I can actually take action, can shape my future. I should. I can be happy. I can find joy and beauty. I think they will always be my goals. I will always be working towards them. Always changing, always growing. And, Lord willing, growing in Him. Adding to the beauty.

Try

I think I have come to the realization that saying that I will "try my best" is rather ineffective for me. I have to choose to do my best. When I say I will try, it somehow triggers something in my brain, something that gives me a little back door out of what I need to do, telling myself that I'll try, but if I don't accomplish what I tried to do, it's okay. Nothing to worry about. At least I tried. And I unconsciously end up not trying my best. I try my mediocre-ist. Or I don't actually try at all. For example, when I sing.  I remind myself to try and sing with my diaphragm. Somehow I end up sounding flat anyway. But if I tell myself that I'm going to just do it, to just sing my heart out, I open up. I use my diaphragm without thinking about it. And I lose myself a little bit in the song. I focus on doing my best, instead of trying. And it works. It gets done. And it's more beautiful than my pathetic attempts at trying my best. I've done my best. I told myself I would. And I did it.