Nineteen

(as per usual, this post is late.. but it was written on July 6th)

Exactly a year ago, I was minutes from being 18. I was freaking out (like, to the point of tears). Legal adulthood. Getting a job. Finishing school. It was all going to happen in the next year, even in the next few minutes. This year, I am sitting in my bed, much more relaxed than I was 365 days ago. I've survived the changes. And they weren't too bad. I knew they'd be gradual. I knew I wasn't being thrown out into the world to fend for myself, but I was still terrified of what being 18 meant. So many things to consider. This year there are changes coming too. I'm starting college. I'm going on a week-long trip with about 25 people I've never met to a Christian college conference... IN NEW MEXICO. I'm leaving the Bell Ringers after being with them nearly 10 years. (Half of my life, people. I've been with them HALF OF MY LIFE.) The prospect of changing friendships, new relationships, just so many changes. But this year, I'm not terrified. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy carnival ride of a year, and I can't. wait. I'm looking so forward to it. The Lord has led me through so much. He'll lead me through even more. So here's to being nineteen. May it be even better than eighteen was. (Which, my goodness, felt like the shortest year of my life. Just thought I'd mention it. This past year FLEW by.) Just 10 more minutes and it will be here...............

Life

There's an ideal life that I picture sometimes. I can't fully describe it. I know it involves brightness, and joy, and love, and happiness, and scenes that seem to belong on Pinterest. I think everyone has an ideal life. And I in no way expect that this is the life that I will find myself living someday. But it gives me something to move towards. Dreams to chase. Glimpses of beauty, sneak peeks of joy. I think it's only something that I will truly, ultimately find in heaven, this perfect life I envision sometimes. But it's still something I can try to create for myself as well as I can, with God's help. I used to think I just was just along for the ride in my life. But that's not true. I can actually take action, can shape my future. I should. I can be happy. I can find joy and beauty. I think they will always be my goals. I will always be working towards them. Always changing, always growing. And, Lord willing, growing in Him. Adding to the beauty.

Try

I think I have come to the realization that saying that I will "try my best" is rather ineffective for me. I have to choose to do my best. When I say I will try, it somehow triggers something in my brain, something that gives me a little back door out of what I need to do, telling myself that I'll try, but if I don't accomplish what I tried to do, it's okay. Nothing to worry about. At least I tried. And I unconsciously end up not trying my best. I try my mediocre-ist. Or I don't actually try at all. For example, when I sing.  I remind myself to try and sing with my diaphragm. Somehow I end up sounding flat anyway. But if I tell myself that I'm going to just do it, to just sing my heart out, I open up. I use my diaphragm without thinking about it. And I lose myself a little bit in the song. I focus on doing my best, instead of trying. And it works. It gets done. And it's more beautiful than my pathetic attempts at trying my best. I've done my best. I told myself I would. And I did it.

Laziness

Laziness vs. procrastination. Are they the same things in our minds? I think procrastination is just the less offensive name we give to laziness. If you say "I'm a procrastinator", it doesn't sound so bad as "I'm lazy". For some reason, to me anyway, "procrastination" seems to suggest a personality trait of occasionally putting things off. Not so major. Laziness implies an actual conscious choice to me. I am choosing to sit around and waste my time. But when you get down to it, I think procrastination is the same thing. It's just disguised with a nicer name. It's still a choice. It just sounds better. Less wrong. I used to tell people I procrastinated. I've been telling the hard truth lately. I'm lazy. Pure and simple. I failed a test this week because I put off studying until the last minute, and then crammed almost a whole week's worth of studying into a couple of hours. Not surprising I failed. That's how I've been lately. Putting fun before work. And I HATE IT. There's a little voice inside me, trying to just tell myself that this is "how I am, I'm just a procrastinator" and "maybe I should work on that someday". This isn't "how I am"! This is how I CHOOSE to be! This is how I've been choosing to spend my time!! I have another test on Monday and several writing projects coming up. Hopefully that big red F I just saw is enough to knock some sense into me for longer than just this moment. I've been sinning in my slothfulness. It's well past time that I take responsibility. It's time to spend my time in a better way. A way that will be pleasing to God.

Living

I live a pretty quiet (honestly a little boring) life. I don't do a whole lot, I don't socialize much besides church and bell practice, and I don't even get out of the house very often. I tend to stay in my room during most of the day, playing around online and working on the tiny school load I have right now. I go to work twice a week. That's it. That's my life. I don't make much of an effort at anything. And while the ultra-lazy side of myself absolutely loves my life, I'm generally pretty dissatisfied when I take a step back and look at what I'm doing. Or not doing.

I don't know where this thought really came from, but I used to think that Christians shouldn't have dreams. I never really consciously realized that I thought this until recently. I used to think that we should live quiet, simple lives. Not necessarily living like monks, just simply. No muss, no fuss, no big deal. Just living. I don't think Christians should live extravagantly. And don't get me wrong, I do still believe we ultimately should be satisfied with simplicity. I do not believe anymore that we should live statically. Sadly, that's pretty much how I've lived the past 18 years of my life. Granted, it's hard for a person growing up to have much control over where they go and what they do. But I've been gaining more control over my life as I come closer to adulthood, and I feel like I've been wasting it. God has given us full, colorful lives. I believe now that enjoying those lives is the way He intended us to live. I also used to think that a Christian shouldn't have any strong desires for a "dream job" or a "dream life". I don't think these dreams are a bad thing anymore. Of course, covetousness, envy, lust, and greed are all sinful, and we have to avoid these kinds of dreams. But I think God gives us our dreams to point us in a direction He wants us to go in. Maybe it's not His will that those dreams come true. But maybe it's His will to go through certain experiences while seeking our dreams.

Spring always seems like a time when I look at my life and decide to make changes. Maybe I won't make them all. But I want to make a few. I want to start wearing skirts and dresses more this year, not for special occasions, just every day. I want to make a point of intense Bible study. What am I doing when I'm checking Facebook about ten times more often than I read the Bible in a day?? I want to get a different job so I can save more and be better able to go after some dreams. I want to change my hairstyle in some way. I want to paint my fingernails often, completely disregarding the fact that the paint always chips off by the second or third day. I want to get out of my room more, maybe start doing my homework in the living room. It makes me more accountable anyway. I want to learn to put my makeup on well, but at the same time take care of my skin and wear less makeup. I want to start working on ideas for interior design projects. I want to actually take on some projects in real life, not just plan them out on paper. I want to exercise and get in shape. I want to figure out what exactly my dreams are and who I want to be. Then, it's time to get started on living this life the Lord has blessed me with, and living it well.

Darkness

So much darkness and grief around me. The world can be so gray sometimes. The loneliness and fear in this world is almost more than I can take. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories over the past few weeks. Children dying in burning homes. Cancer taking beautiful, loving mothers from their families. Shootings in theaters and malls and schools. Looking back at how Alzheimer's slowly erased an entire existence. Murders on the street. Alcohol and drugs destroying families. Sexual abuse. Abandonment. Husbands cheating on their wives. Young boys committing suicide after being bullied. Such grief. Agony. It fills every piece of you. It pushes in from every side, it crushes, it suffocates. The tears begin to fall and you wonder if they will ever stop, or if they even can ever stop. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry like you've never cried before, until you feel there's nothing left of you. You weep- true weeping, not just crying- until you fall to your knees in complete exhaustion. How are you supposed to hold yourself together when everything you knew as being good and beautiful just turned so dark and desperate?

I truly feel that it is when darkness surrounds me that I am shown light most clearly. Grace touches my spirit, it lifts my heart, and it puts the bones back into my body. I can stand again for a moment. The pain is going to return, but for that one moment, the sun is warm on my face. I manage to hear a bird singing through the constant scream of thoughts in my head. I see glimpses of beauty instead of destruction. That little boy saved six other people from the fire before he died trying to save a seventh. That mother is with the Lord at this moment. The legacy of love she left behind will continue in the children she raised in the Lord, and in her children's children after that. That's beautiful. So can we dance? Maybe it's a slow dance, holding each other tight, just to know there is someone there. It won't be joyful. It will be heartbreaking and slow. We can barely stand, let alone move. We're just barely holding on. The darkness is upon us. Move away. Take a step. Then another. Listen to the music. Maybe it's a slow song. Quiet. Let it begin to heal. Let's celebrate grace. Let's enjoy tiny moments of laughter and happiness. When grief strikes us to the ground, He holds us. He puts His loving arms around us and clutches us to Him, refusing to give us to the darkness that reaches for us.

I still feel the pain. I still see the grief. The world still seems gray around me. The clouds above me are the darkest I've ever seen, but the light is still behind them. I can feel it. Maybe I can't see it quite yet. But it's there. The heartache is so very present. But the healing is on the horizon.

Sometimes

 Sometimes I dream of being a singer, but I don't want to be idolized by thousands. I want to sing simple songs from my heart to my closest friends without being embarrassed if I mess up. I want to dance in circles until I'm dizzy and fall down laughing, not caring who sees me.

 Sometimes I dream of being a designer, making people happy with the everyday beauty around them. I want to bring life and color into rooms, and know people enjoyed what I did, not constantly worry that I didn't do what they wanted me to do.

 Sometimes I dream of being a writer, where the words flow from my fingertips and make perfect sense. I want to write a bestseller, but not for the money or for any fame, I just want that assurance that people liked my words. That for once, I said something I didn't regret or think could have been said better.

 Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck being a teenager with big dreams, but no plans for how to accomplish them.

 Sometimes, for all my little dreams, I think my real dream is to be a person that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to be. I want to live confidently, without caring what others think of me. Maybe this low self-esteem is all part of being a typical 18-year-old. Maybe it's just me. There are times when I don't care about my dreams. There are times when I care too much, and they're all I can think about. But I want to find a happy balance. At the end of the day, I just want to be satisfied with my accomplishments, and know that I honored the Lord through it all.