Darkness

So much darkness and grief around me. The world can be so gray sometimes. The loneliness and fear in this world is almost more than I can take. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories over the past few weeks. Children dying in burning homes. Cancer taking beautiful, loving mothers from their families. Shootings in theaters and malls and schools. Looking back at how Alzheimer's slowly erased an entire existence. Murders on the street. Alcohol and drugs destroying families. Sexual abuse. Abandonment. Husbands cheating on their wives. Young boys committing suicide after being bullied. Such grief. Agony. It fills every piece of you. It pushes in from every side, it crushes, it suffocates. The tears begin to fall and you wonder if they will ever stop, or if they even can ever stop. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry like you've never cried before, until you feel there's nothing left of you. You weep- true weeping, not just crying- until you fall to your knees in complete exhaustion. How are you supposed to hold yourself together when everything you knew as being good and beautiful just turned so dark and desperate?

I truly feel that it is when darkness surrounds me that I am shown light most clearly. Grace touches my spirit, it lifts my heart, and it puts the bones back into my body. I can stand again for a moment. The pain is going to return, but for that one moment, the sun is warm on my face. I manage to hear a bird singing through the constant scream of thoughts in my head. I see glimpses of beauty instead of destruction. That little boy saved six other people from the fire before he died trying to save a seventh. That mother is with the Lord at this moment. The legacy of love she left behind will continue in the children she raised in the Lord, and in her children's children after that. That's beautiful. So can we dance? Maybe it's a slow dance, holding each other tight, just to know there is someone there. It won't be joyful. It will be heartbreaking and slow. We can barely stand, let alone move. We're just barely holding on. The darkness is upon us. Move away. Take a step. Then another. Listen to the music. Maybe it's a slow song. Quiet. Let it begin to heal. Let's celebrate grace. Let's enjoy tiny moments of laughter and happiness. When grief strikes us to the ground, He holds us. He puts His loving arms around us and clutches us to Him, refusing to give us to the darkness that reaches for us.

I still feel the pain. I still see the grief. The world still seems gray around me. The clouds above me are the darkest I've ever seen, but the light is still behind them. I can feel it. Maybe I can't see it quite yet. But it's there. The heartache is so very present. But the healing is on the horizon.

Sometimes

 Sometimes I dream of being a singer, but I don't want to be idolized by thousands. I want to sing simple songs from my heart to my closest friends without being embarrassed if I mess up. I want to dance in circles until I'm dizzy and fall down laughing, not caring who sees me.

 Sometimes I dream of being a designer, making people happy with the everyday beauty around them. I want to bring life and color into rooms, and know people enjoyed what I did, not constantly worry that I didn't do what they wanted me to do.

 Sometimes I dream of being a writer, where the words flow from my fingertips and make perfect sense. I want to write a bestseller, but not for the money or for any fame, I just want that assurance that people liked my words. That for once, I said something I didn't regret or think could have been said better.

 Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck being a teenager with big dreams, but no plans for how to accomplish them.

 Sometimes, for all my little dreams, I think my real dream is to be a person that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to be. I want to live confidently, without caring what others think of me. Maybe this low self-esteem is all part of being a typical 18-year-old. Maybe it's just me. There are times when I don't care about my dreams. There are times when I care too much, and they're all I can think about. But I want to find a happy balance. At the end of the day, I just want to be satisfied with my accomplishments, and know that I honored the Lord through it all.

Grief

My family is about to change. A lot. The happy smiles when we're all together aren't going to be so happy anymore. This Thanksgiving, instead of being my favorite, happiest time of the year, might be full of sadness. My aunt is dying. She's had Early Onset Alzheimer's for years, and it's looking like we're coming to what might be the end. It's painful. I'm just starting to realize how much more painful it's going to become. Besides my grandfather, who died the day before I was born, we've never grieved for a family member in my lifetime. It's not something that I have experienced personally. I think what I hate the most about death is the grief and pain and sadness it brings to everyone. It's not fixable. I can't stand to see people hurting. I am glad that death means the end of pain for the person suffering, and rejoice when it means that they are going to be at last united with Christ like my aunt will be, but the destruction it sends on others' lives is what hurts me the most. I think their grief may affect me even more than my own grief affects me. I just want to be able to hug everyone long and hard and make the pain go away. I want them to stop hurting, so very, very much. But a hug won't fix this. My family has always been one of laughter and love and smiles. It's not going to be that way the next time I see them, and I'm not sure how I'll react to that. I have a hard time controlling my emotions around others. In times of serious pain, I tend to either fall to pieces, or offer a weak smile because I don't know what else to do. I feel so emotionally disconnected sometimes, but other times I feel like I am much too emotionally connected. When one of my best friends' dad was killed in a car accident a few years ago, I didn't cry at the funeral until the full realization of how much my friend and her family were hurting hit me. I literally doubled over in a pew and sobbed. I couldn't stop and finally had to walk outside for a few minutes. When a family friend's baby was stillborn, I didn't cry until I saw the mother's face. Then I almost couldn't stand it. She was hurting so much. I know it's the looks that will be in my family members' eyes that will hurt the most. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do that will change the grief they will be feeling. They are the strongest people I know, and I really don't know how I'm going to handle seeing them like this. I love them all to death but that love can't erase the pain. I know Christ is the only one who can bring true healing from grief, and that it will take time to see the light in our eyes again when we're together. But I've never wished more than I do now that there was something more I could do.

Bloom

She lived like a flower, her face turned towards the sky.

The sun smiled down on her as she constantly reached towards its warmth.

Love watered her, joy strengthened her, and peace kept her safe.

She lived for brightness and light.

She thrived in encouragement, wilted in fear, and blossomed again in freedom.

She was individual, unique, and beautiful.

She grew and was strong despite the fragility of her stem.

Planting her roots in faith, she weathered the storms and stood tall.

She was a light in the dark fields.

She opened her petals and showed the world her beauty.

And when the soft breezes touched her, she danced for joy.

Happy

I am generally a very happy person. And that's how I'm feeling tonight. Happy. Tonight, even though I had one of my "I'm an idiot" and "I-must-have-messed-something-up-again-even-though-I'm-not-exactly-sure-what-it-was" moments earlier today, I feel good. I got some stuff accomplished at home that I've been putting off for a really long time, and even though it's not a super big task, it makes me feel happy that it's done. The past few days have been kind of a blur of "meh"-ness, where I didn't feel happy and I didn't feel sad. But today was good. Nothing to talk about, nothing really important happened, but I'm back to smiling. Add to this that I've been listening to a playlist of my favorite music on Spotify tonight, and it makes me feel good. And it all just combines to make me a happy person tonight. I don't usually write a post like this, but when I feel especially good, like tonight, I just kind of want to dance around in circles and tell the world that life is good. I want it to be infectious. And I don't know exactly how to do that, but I think I'll work on it. I want to be known for spreading my joy.

Homosexuality

I have some pretty controversial ideas about homosexuality, at least when I'm around certain friends. I'm not sure if I have it right, but I do have an opinion. This post might get confusing because sometimes it's difficult for me to coherently explain my thoughts, but I'm trying as hard as I can to explain myself fully and clearly. So here we go. I believe that while homosexuality is a sin, Christians should not ignore homosexuals. It's been said over and over that Christians should show God's love to them. AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TRUE. This is what I base my views on; that we as Christians should indeed love homosexuals. I believe that wholeheartedly. But it has to go further than just saying "I will show love to you, even though I don't want to. Even though I completely disagree with how you live." It can't be something we pretend. We have to actually, fully, completely love them. And not just homosexuals. While this post is going to be talking about homosexuality, I believe the views I have here apply to any and all sin around us. We can't ignore the sin. But more than anything, we can't ignore the sinner. Who will demonstrate Christ's love if we ostracize people? But I'm talking like a person who doesn't want to love homosexuals. Before I go further, I need to explain something.

I have never minded the gay community. I guess this is a result of the message being sent to the world that homosexuality is natural and okay, and I really, deep down, have had a hard time convincing myself differently. If I were not a Christian, I would be right there in the groups promoting gay rights. I would have changed my profile picture on Facebook a few months back to an equality sign. I would have closely followed pro-gay legislation and cheered when homosexual marriages were legalized in some states. I would strongly support any gay friends I may have. I would defend them when others spoke against them. There is a voice in my head that still tries every day to explain to me that homosexuality is a natural choice for some people, and that even though I myself am not homosexual, it is perfectly normal to be that way. I am constantly reminding myself of God's view of homosexuality: {1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)} Homosexuality is wrong. It's sinful. And though my sinful heart may try and convince me otherwise, I cannot condone it for the simple reason that God says that it is wrong.

So after this revelation, I have to tell you that the whole "Christians have to love homosexuals" message is kinda pointless for me. I love them anyway. I just have to remember to hate the sin. And in doing that, I have to remember to continue loving the person. It's easy to get caught up in hatred of a sin and turn that into hating the sinner as well, or flip the other way, and love the sin as well. It's a difficult balance, but I turn to Christ to show me how to do it. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes. He didn't just love them from a distance. He is my example. He sat down with them and encouraged their friendship.

I don't approve of homosexuality, in the same way that I don't approve of heterosexual couples involving themselves in sexual immorality. It's all immoral in God's eyes. I think we generally have a harder time remembering to hate the sin of unmarried couples living together than we do remembering to hate homosexuality. Just look at that list back in 1 Corinthians that I mentioned. It doesn't just mention homosexuality. God hates any sexual sin. He hates idolatry. He hates adulterers. He hates prostitution. He hates thieves. He hates greed. He hates drunkenness. He hates abusers. He hates cheats. But it says we were cleansed and made holy. So instead of focusing so much on hating the sins of those around me, I think a much better and God-glorifying use of my time is truthfully showing God's love towards those people, and sharing His word and being a light for Him. He will cleanse them and make them new. He will show them how to deal with their sins, not me. I can't fix anyone by hating or judging them. I can't change someone by screaming Bible verses in their face. All I can do is love, and live in a way that God approves of, hating my own sin and focusing on ridding myself of it.

I didn't really do any editing on this post, because I know I'll just get lost in trying to revise what I said, and end up making more of a jumbled mess than it is now. So I'll just leave it here, hoping that I was clear, hoping that I got it right.

Longing

I am full of longing tonight. But I don't know what I'm longing for. I feel like my heart is missing something. Is it a desire for closer relationships with my family? Is it a desire for nearness to the Lord? Is it a desire for friendships? Is it a desire to fall in love? I really don't know. I've been searching my heart and I can't seem to find the answer. I've struggled with this for months now. The only word I can think of to put to this situation that seems to fully cover this feeling is "yearning". I am searching for something, aching for something that is missing. And I can't seem to find out what I need. But in the midst of this longing, there is comfort. God knows what it is. He knows what I need. He knows the desires of my heart. So I give it to Him tonight. Just like I have so many times in the past. The Lord knows. The Lord understands. Even when I don't. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my past, my present, my future. He cares. He loves. He takes it on Himself and fills the emptiness, and I am full again with His love. Maybe this emptiness is really just my heart's way of turning me to God and letting Him pour His love into me. He is my only solution. He is my healer and comforter. He fills me more than anything could. Like Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Even if it isn't exactly what my heart is telling me what it needs, I believe delight in the Lord can fill and cover those desires.