Just to give an update. Today the world is sunshine and roses in my mind, even though it's actually overcast and rainy outside. I almost didn't post last night knowing I would be back to normal in the morning. I look at that post from last night and think how over dramatic I was being. But honestly, I posted it because I knew I'd feel that way today. I needed to get it down, put it public that this is truthfully how I feel sometimes. And the next day I can't really imagine what I was thinking and brush it off. I posted last night so I don't keep brushing it off. It's real feelings that overtake me sometimes that need to be dealt with, not just lived through and pretend the next day they didn't happen. They were real. I was afraid. I was overwhelmed. But today, today I'm okay.
Also I want to add that I don't believe I have depression, or even anxiety. I have moments. Short periods where I can't see out of the cloud that fills my head. But I'm always fine shortly afterward. No lasting effects. I'm not really sure what to call that. So I tend to not talk about it. But last night I just couldn't keep it in anymore.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Falling
Is it ok to let yourself fall sometimes? To just finally collapse, knowing you can build yourself back up later? When you are so overwhelmed and so anxious and so tired of being brave. I have nothing to be fearful of in my life. I am wonderfully blessed. I can't believe the beautiful life that has been given to me. So on nights like tonight when irrational, overwhelming, unexplainable fear overtake me I pretend it isn't happening. I'm not depressed. What could be depressing about my life? I'm not anxious. What is there to be fearful of? But on nights like tonight I just feel like giving in sometimes. I'm not saying this in a dangerous way, talking about giving in to depression usually leads in a harmful direction. I'm asking is it ok, just once, to let everyone know I'm really not okay tonight? To cry and scream and not be able to breathe but to do it openly, because somehow it is even more suffocating when it's held in. I'll be fine in the morning. I always am. Maybe not tomorrow night. It's the evenings that get me, I don't know why. I feel alone and afraid. I can't explain what I'm afraid of, only that I can't breathe while its got a hold on me. I want to cry. But I don't. I want to scream, but I don't. So I write.
I listened to this song and I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Then I breathed.
http://youtu.be/myn8TdSNc4k
I listened to this song and I cried. I cried harder than I have in a long time. Then I breathed.
http://youtu.be/myn8TdSNc4k
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Pleasing
I'm about to write something long, drawn out, and probably something that makes no sense. It's how I write when I'm overwhelmed, and I tend to come to this blog a lot when I'm that way. Not every post written that way leaves the draft stage, but some do. I also tend to write this way when I'm terrified. And guess what?
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of people not liking me. Of not loving me. I'm terrified of people finding out how shallow I am that their liking me or not is all I care about. I'm terrified of losing myself down this endless road as a people pleaser.
This is not a biblical, Christ-like way to live. Was Christ a people-pleaser? Most certainly not. At the root of it all, why do I depend so much on pleasing others? Because I hold what they think of me above what Christ thinks of me. That is straight up, plain sin. It has a name- idolatry. My idol in life is the opinions of those around me. In work and in my personal life it is the same story. I focus more on being loved by the world than loving and being loved by the Creator. And in my push to become completely loved by others, and in my fear that I will fall short of their expectations, I'm not depending on and submitting to God. I don't trust God that He will give me the love that I so desperately want. I don't submit to God's will of having me live the life that He has set me on, instead of the life that I think I see that someone near to me wants me to live. I submit instead to their will, and go where I think they want me to be. I get overwhelmed easily, not being able to read minds, not knowing whether I have been successful in my attempts at gaining the attention, respect, or love of others. I have a strong sense most of the time of what I want, but I push it down deep inside of me, and focus instead on the impossible task of making everyone happy at the same time. It won't work. It's not possible.
Ever wonder what exactly goes through my head at moments like this? Here's a list by Vickie Champion that sums me up to a T. I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of these 52 requirements. It's a long list, so bear with me.
"The perpetual people pleaser…
1 Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.
2 Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no
3 Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.
4 Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.
5 Feels they are never “good” enough.
6 Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.
7 Functions totally from “shoulds.”
8 Assures they always do more than their share.
9 Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.
10 Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.
11 Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”
12 Has a never-ending time management problem.
13 Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.
14 Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.
15 Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.
16 Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”
17 Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.
18 Routinely operates on auto pilot.
19 Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.
20 Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”
21 Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.
22 Almost always feel undeserving.
23 Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.
24 Overpromises.
25 Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.
26 Overapologizes.
27 Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.
28 Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.
29 Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.
30 Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.
31 Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.
32 Would much rather be nice than be real.
33 Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.
34 Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.
35 Often feels trapped.
36 Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.
37 Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.
38 Comes unglued easily when under pressure.
39 Has plenty of regrets.
40 Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.
41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.
42 Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”
43 Is extremely critical of themselves.
44 Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.
45 Has poor problem-solving skills.
46 Is unable to direct or supervise others.
47 Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.
48 Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.
49 Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.
50 Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.
51 Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.
52 Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?"
This is me. This is me exactly. And it's not pretty. Or God-glorifying. Wedding planning has brought this out in me to the extreme. So it's time to change. The beginning of new years always bring around resolutions of all sorts. Why not the beginning of the year in which my life will change more than ever (side note, this also terrifies me sometimes, but that's a post for another day)? It's time, after 20 years of life and avoiding conflicts at all costs, to live my life the way God intended me to. Yes, love others. Yes, act in a way that is worthy of love and respect. But don't idolize that respect. Instead, ignore the opinions of the world. Fix my eyes upon Jesus, "and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."
I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of people not liking me. Of not loving me. I'm terrified of people finding out how shallow I am that their liking me or not is all I care about. I'm terrified of losing myself down this endless road as a people pleaser.
This is not a biblical, Christ-like way to live. Was Christ a people-pleaser? Most certainly not. At the root of it all, why do I depend so much on pleasing others? Because I hold what they think of me above what Christ thinks of me. That is straight up, plain sin. It has a name- idolatry. My idol in life is the opinions of those around me. In work and in my personal life it is the same story. I focus more on being loved by the world than loving and being loved by the Creator. And in my push to become completely loved by others, and in my fear that I will fall short of their expectations, I'm not depending on and submitting to God. I don't trust God that He will give me the love that I so desperately want. I don't submit to God's will of having me live the life that He has set me on, instead of the life that I think I see that someone near to me wants me to live. I submit instead to their will, and go where I think they want me to be. I get overwhelmed easily, not being able to read minds, not knowing whether I have been successful in my attempts at gaining the attention, respect, or love of others. I have a strong sense most of the time of what I want, but I push it down deep inside of me, and focus instead on the impossible task of making everyone happy at the same time. It won't work. It's not possible.
Ever wonder what exactly goes through my head at moments like this? Here's a list by Vickie Champion that sums me up to a T. I fit EVERY SINGLE ONE of these 52 requirements. It's a long list, so bear with me.
"The perpetual people pleaser…
1 Always avoid conflicts or even disagreements.
2 Makes it a habit to say yes when he or she wants to say no
3 Constantly worries about hurting others’ feelings.
4 Has no idea what their dreams or goals are.
5 Feels they are never “good” enough.
6 Would rather be nice and perfect than happy.
7 Functions totally from “shoulds.”
8 Assures they always do more than their share.
9 Rarely makes decisions, putting it off on anyone else to do it.
10 Is baffled by the concept, take it easy and relax.
11 Confuses being “needed” with being “loved.”
12 Has a never-ending time management problem.
13 Avoids giving themselves credit for anything.
14 Makes it a practice to please strangers and neglect loved ones.
15 Easily attracts people who need to be rescued and consoled.
16 Strongly believes they need to “do” something to be “loved” or even “accepted.”
17 Is very insecure about their abilities, knowledge or just about anything they do.
18 Routinely operates on auto pilot.
19 Jumps to volunteer, especially for jobs that no one else will do.
20 Feels exhausted from always trying to be “perfect.”
21 Has a huge fear of letting their friends, family and even strangers down.
22 Almost always feel undeserving.
23 Thinks nothing of telling lies to not rock the boat.
24 Overpromises.
25 Constantly seeks approval from others, but could care less about their own opinions.
26 Overapologizes.
27 Wastes time with people who really don’t care or consider their needs.
28 Think they are solely responsible for others’ happiness.
29 Are scared to death of being called selfish, even for an instant.
30 Rarely, if ever, asks for help or accepts help.
31 Constantly suppresses anger, fearing rejection.
32 Would much rather be nice than be real.
33 Has no desire to listen and follow their intuition.
34 Continuously holds back from saying what they really think and feel.
35 Often feels trapped.
36 Are scared to death of being wrong or taking any kind of risk.
37 Reduces their own anxiety by focusing on others’ needs.
38 Comes unglued easily when under pressure.
39 Has plenty of regrets.
40 Tries to provide and control everything in the relationship without considering their own feelings and needs.
41 Are willing to bend over backwards to make unhappy, self-centered, controlling people feel better about themselves.
42 Becomes paralyzed with little nightmares we make up about “if we said and did this, they will say and do that.”
43 Is extremely critical of themselves.
44 Has a really hard time accepting kindness from others.
45 Has poor problem-solving skills.
46 Is unable to direct or supervise others.
47 Feels guilty about not accomplishing enough or not being able to make everyone happy.
48 Runs on the praise and appreciation of other people.
49 Seldom, if ever, expresses an opinion of their own.
50 Is secretly terrified of being “found out” that they are not as good as they appear to others.
51 Displays a bland personality. They don’t want to appear interesting, unique, or challenging. Nope, too risky.
52 Wonders why everyone seems to take advantage of them and why they get little respect?"
This is me. This is me exactly. And it's not pretty. Or God-glorifying. Wedding planning has brought this out in me to the extreme. So it's time to change. The beginning of new years always bring around resolutions of all sorts. Why not the beginning of the year in which my life will change more than ever (side note, this also terrifies me sometimes, but that's a post for another day)? It's time, after 20 years of life and avoiding conflicts at all costs, to live my life the way God intended me to. Yes, love others. Yes, act in a way that is worthy of love and respect. But don't idolize that respect. Instead, ignore the opinions of the world. Fix my eyes upon Jesus, "and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Read
After a little over three years, I can say that I've done it. I have now read the entire Bible. This wasn't a goal I originally planned to meet. It wasn't some bucket list item, and I didn't use a "read the Bible in a year" program (obviously, since it's been more than three years). It started with a fear, and anxiousness, that nothing seemed to be helping. When I was about 15 or 16, I had nearly constant sleepless nights and anxious feelings. There was never any apparent cause, and nothing I did seemed to calm me down. One night, when I was just too anxious to sleep and upset for seemingly no reason at all, I picked up my Bible and read Psalm 1. "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked." It was such a short chapter, and I continued to read the next few chapters of Psalms. I calmed down some and was able to sleep. The next night, I did the same thing, reading just one chapter. And again the next night. And again. I read through Psalms. Then Proverbs. Then Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon. For some reason I jumped to Matthew, and read the gospels. Then Paul's letters. And then I decided to finish reading the New Testament. And then it became a goal- at least one chapter a night until I had read every word God had given to me. Over the course of this reading, my anxiety disappeared. Of course I still get upset. Of course I still worry. But that constant fear, the long sleepless nights? They gradually left. As I approached the end, I wondered for a second, what will I do when there's nothing left to read? The answer is obvious. Stay in the Word. Start over. So starting tomorrow, I'm doing it again. At least a chapter a night. I can't just stop. Now that I've started, it's impossible for me to stop reading the Word. I hope I never do.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Maturity
I see it everywhere I turn. How immature I am. I have a standard of who I should be by now and almost no parts of my life match up to that standard. I have goals for the future, but none of those will ever be accomplished if I don't become a mature adult. And I don't mean physically. Physically, legally, I guess you could call me a woman. Or very close to that. A young woman, obviously, but I fit most of the standards. Physically, I have matured. I have grown. But spiritually, emotionally, and in almost every aspect of how I live my life, I still act as though I just started high school. This is a common problem among young adults, a lack of maturity. I've always hoped to be ahead of the crowd, more mature than some of my friends, more responsible and focused. Instead, I find myself right in there with the rest of them, making choices that aren't the wisest, and living my life in a way where I can get by without really trying. These choices, mostly stemming from pure laziness and selfishness, resulted in me having to repeat a class this next semester. It almost made me lose nearly $9,000 in scholarships. I don't think I could've continued school without that scholarship, at least not for long. I have high hopes, big dreams and expectations of where I would like to be in a few years. But then I look at my room that I haven't even tried to clean for two weeks. I think about the insane hours I've been keeping, going to bed at one or two in the morning and trying to wake up at 7:30. It's little things in my life that make me realize that I am so not a mature woman. I am an irresponsible girl. And I am ashamed of that. This isn't specifically intended to be a New Year's resolution or anything, to try to mature and become responsible. It just happens to come right after the new year begins. But it's gone to far. My unwillingness to work and take responsibility, my desire to just sit on my bed all day and read, or listen to music, or watch TV, do not indicate any type of growth. And it's time for that to change.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Overflow
It's late. I have class early in the morning. But "my cup overfloweth" tonight, and I just wanted to let it out how thankful I am. Nothing special has happened today. But the Lord has blessed me so much. I am loved, treasured, and respected. I have friends who love me, a family who cares for me. A Lord who loves me more than everyone else combined and more than I can understand. I'm just grateful. And so, so blessed.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Caring
I used to think there was something good about burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't feel things in a certain way. Thought it made me strong and brave and "not like everyone else". Now I understand that feeling and emotion is crucial. What kind of a life are you possibly living if there is no love? No pain to contrast so sharply, to make you all the more thankful when the joy of loving other people returns? No love, no hate, just plain emotionless existence. I've lived that way before. I say all the time that "I don't care". Usually it's about small decisions, like what to do in the afternoon or where to go eat. Sometimes, it's about my entire life. I've gone through periods in my life where I truly didn't care about any of it. Not the past, not the present, and especially not the future. I've lived for awhile thinking that I didn't want to ever fall in love. I didn't really think I wanted children. I thought I would be fine on my own, just living by myself, never "caring" about others in the world or if they cared about me. I know now that that is a lie.
I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.
I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.
This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.
The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.
I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.
I can convince myself sometimes that it is cold outside just by hearing the wind. It can be a hundred degrees outside, but if I am inside, listening to a wind that sounds like a winter wind, I can close my eyes and picture dead trees and frosty breath. I've convinced myself in the same way, on several occasions, that I have no emotions. I once convinced myself so thoroughly of this that I wondered if I was a sociopath. Incapable of emotion or of relating to the people around me. Not to the point of being dangerous. Just true carelessness. I loved my friends. I loved my family. But not passionately. I didn't love anything about my life passionately. Sometimes it felt more like loyalty than love. I'm not sure if this is depression. It feels like maybe it is sometimes. I can feel absolutely wonderful one minute, and the next, I feel like one of those dead trees I imagine after hearing a winter wind blowing against the house. I am standing tall, one of the many trees around me. But there's no more growth. No more interest in the world around me. The wind blows, and I barely bend. I just am. I just exist.
I have never reached a point that I felt might be dangerous. I've never wanted to hurt myself or others. I simply lived a life of complete uncaring-ness. When I tell people "I don't care" or "I don't mind", I'm telling the truth. I am a very, very easy-going person. "Whatever you decide sounds good to me!" is a phrase I use constantly. But sometimes there is that underlying truth that I quite honestly don't care about anything. I still get this way sometimes. It happened more often when I was a younger teenager, around 15 or 16. I feel like I'm probably slowly growing out of my dramatic moods, becoming slightly more decisive, and definitely caring more about the world and the people around me on a regular basis. I feel more alive now. More involved. Not like such a dead tree. When I do go through these periods, though, all I can do is dive into the Word. I tell myself that even if I could care less right now, God cares SO much. He knows how I feel. He knows why I feel that way even when I don't. And slowly, my heart softens.
This is not something I have ever talked to anyone about. Not a single person. Any time I've considered voicing these thoughts I can never find the words to fully explain. I know they might worry about me. And I've always had a little voice in my head telling me that I was "just being dramatic". I don't really think that's true anymore. I think it's a true struggle of mine. I wasn't even sure I'd post this particular post on my blog, knowing that people might worry. They will ask me if I'm okay. I promise you, I am. This lack of emotion has never caused me to have any sort of dark thoughts. I can't explain what happens inside my head. It like I just get way too deep into my own mind, like I might get a little lost in my own thoughts sometimes, and forget to reconnect with the world. And then I realize I like it in my head, and wonder why I would ever want to leave. That's when I really lose myself in the indifference to everything around me.
The point of this post is not to go into detail about my past thoughts. The point of this post is to say that it's getting better. I'm finding real reasons to care about the world everywhere I turn. And I'm so grateful. I truly love my friends and my family, and I truly want to spend time with them. And I truly still don't care how we spend that time, as long as we spend it together! And that's the difference. Now I truly care that we spend it together. Before, I liked spending time with my family and friends, but I wouldn't have minded it if they hadn't wanted to spend time with me. I was fine on my own too. It's all changed now. And it's a relief. I was starting to get worried about myself. I know it's not good to spend so much time in your own head, or to be so emotionless about the world and people around you. Things have changed. I'm getting hopeful. I have dreams for my future again. They're much different dreams than they were before, but I like them even better. I don't think I was ever exactly unhappy, as it's hard to have an emotion like unhappiness when you're feeling so indifferent to everything. But I'm definitely happy now. And getting happier every day.
I feel like I have to thank people for bringing me out of these thoughts, even if they didn't realize what they were doing at the time. So thank you to my best friends and family. Those lines between "friend" and "family" cross so many times with each of you that there's barely any difference anymore except genetically. You know who you are, you know that you've all taught me well that there is never anything wrong with living loudly and happily and lovingly. Thank you especially to the Lord, who has done the real work in my heart, giving me a desire to live like Him, act like Him, and love like Him. And thank you to Josh. You might not know why I'm thanking you. I do. Now I know it really is okay to feel. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Nineteen
(as per usual, this post is late.. but it was written on July 6th)
Exactly a year ago, I was minutes from being 18. I was freaking out (like, to the point of tears). Legal adulthood. Getting a job. Finishing school. It was all going to happen in the next year, even in the next few minutes. This year, I am sitting in my bed, much more relaxed than I was 365 days ago. I've survived the changes. And they weren't too bad. I knew they'd be gradual. I knew I wasn't being thrown out into the world to fend for myself, but I was still terrified of what being 18 meant. So many things to consider. This year there are changes coming too. I'm starting college. I'm going on a week-long trip with about 25 people I've never met to a Christian college conference... IN NEW MEXICO. I'm leaving the Bell Ringers after being with them nearly 10 years. (Half of my life, people. I've been with them HALF OF MY LIFE.) The prospect of changing friendships, new relationships, just so many changes. But this year, I'm not terrified. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy carnival ride of a year, and I can't. wait. I'm looking so forward to it. The Lord has led me through so much. He'll lead me through even more. So here's to being nineteen. May it be even better than eighteen was. (Which, my goodness, felt like the shortest year of my life. Just thought I'd mention it. This past year FLEW by.) Just 10 more minutes and it will be here...............
Exactly a year ago, I was minutes from being 18. I was freaking out (like, to the point of tears). Legal adulthood. Getting a job. Finishing school. It was all going to happen in the next year, even in the next few minutes. This year, I am sitting in my bed, much more relaxed than I was 365 days ago. I've survived the changes. And they weren't too bad. I knew they'd be gradual. I knew I wasn't being thrown out into the world to fend for myself, but I was still terrified of what being 18 meant. So many things to consider. This year there are changes coming too. I'm starting college. I'm going on a week-long trip with about 25 people I've never met to a Christian college conference... IN NEW MEXICO. I'm leaving the Bell Ringers after being with them nearly 10 years. (Half of my life, people. I've been with them HALF OF MY LIFE.) The prospect of changing friendships, new relationships, just so many changes. But this year, I'm not terrified. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I have a feeling this is going to be a crazy carnival ride of a year, and I can't. wait. I'm looking so forward to it. The Lord has led me through so much. He'll lead me through even more. So here's to being nineteen. May it be even better than eighteen was. (Which, my goodness, felt like the shortest year of my life. Just thought I'd mention it. This past year FLEW by.) Just 10 more minutes and it will be here...............
Friday, June 6, 2014
Life
There's an ideal life that I picture sometimes. I can't fully describe it. I know it involves brightness, and joy, and love, and happiness, and scenes that seem to belong on Pinterest. I think everyone has an ideal life. And I in no way expect that this is the life that I will find myself living someday. But it gives me something to move towards. Dreams to chase. Glimpses of beauty, sneak peeks of joy. I think it's only something that I will truly, ultimately find in heaven, this perfect life I envision sometimes. But it's still something I can try to create for myself as well as I can, with God's help. I used to think I just was just along for the ride in my life. But that's not true. I can actually take action, can shape my future. I should. I can be happy. I can find joy and beauty. I think they will always be my goals. I will always be working towards them. Always changing, always growing. And, Lord willing, growing in Him. Adding to the beauty.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Try
I think I have come to the realization that saying that I will "try my best" is rather ineffective for me. I have to choose to do my best. When I say I will try, it somehow triggers something in my brain, something that gives me a little back door out of what I need to do, telling myself that I'll try, but if I don't accomplish what I tried to do, it's okay. Nothing to worry about. At least I tried. And I unconsciously end up not trying my best. I try my mediocre-ist. Or I don't actually try at all. For example, when I sing. I remind myself to try and sing with my diaphragm. Somehow I end up sounding flat anyway. But if I tell myself that I'm going to just do it, to just sing my heart out, I open up. I use my diaphragm without thinking about it. And I lose myself a little bit in the song. I focus on doing my best, instead of trying. And it works. It gets done. And it's more beautiful than my pathetic attempts at trying my best. I've done my best. I told myself I would. And I did it.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Laziness
Laziness vs. procrastination. Are they the same things in our minds? I think procrastination is just the less offensive name we give to laziness. If you say "I'm a procrastinator", it doesn't sound so bad as "I'm lazy". For some reason, to me anyway, "procrastination" seems to suggest a personality trait of occasionally putting things off. Not so major. Laziness implies an actual conscious choice to me. I am choosing to sit around and waste my time. But when you get down to it, I think procrastination is the same thing. It's just disguised with a nicer name. It's still a choice. It just sounds better. Less wrong. I used to tell people I procrastinated. I've been telling the hard truth lately. I'm lazy. Pure and simple. I failed a test this week because I put off studying until the last minute, and then crammed almost a whole week's worth of studying into a couple of hours. Not surprising I failed. That's how I've been lately. Putting fun before work. And I HATE IT. There's a little voice inside me, trying to just tell myself that this is "how I am, I'm just a procrastinator" and "maybe I should work on that someday". This isn't "how I am"! This is how I CHOOSE to be! This is how I've been choosing to spend my time!! I have another test on Monday and several writing projects coming up. Hopefully that big red F I just saw is enough to knock some sense into me for longer than just this moment. I've been sinning in my slothfulness. It's well past time that I take responsibility. It's time to spend my time in a better way. A way that will be pleasing to God.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Living
I live a pretty quiet (honestly a little boring) life. I don't do a whole lot, I don't socialize much besides church and bell practice, and I don't even get out of the house very often. I tend to stay in my room during most of the day, playing around online and working on the tiny school load I have right now. I go to work twice a week. That's it. That's my life. I don't make much of an effort at anything. And while the ultra-lazy side of myself absolutely loves my life, I'm generally pretty dissatisfied when I take a step back and look at what I'm doing. Or not doing.
I don't know where this thought really came from, but I used to think that Christians shouldn't have dreams. I never really consciously realized that I thought this until recently. I used to think that we should live quiet, simple lives. Not necessarily living like monks, just simply. No muss, no fuss, no big deal. Just living. I don't think Christians should live extravagantly. And don't get me wrong, I do still believe we ultimately should be satisfied with simplicity. I do not believe anymore that we should live statically. Sadly, that's pretty much how I've lived the past 18 years of my life. Granted, it's hard for a person growing up to have much control over where they go and what they do. But I've been gaining more control over my life as I come closer to adulthood, and I feel like I've been wasting it. God has given us full, colorful lives. I believe now that enjoying those lives is the way He intended us to live. I also used to think that a Christian shouldn't have any strong desires for a "dream job" or a "dream life". I don't think these dreams are a bad thing anymore. Of course, covetousness, envy, lust, and greed are all sinful, and we have to avoid these kinds of dreams. But I think God gives us our dreams to point us in a direction He wants us to go in. Maybe it's not His will that those dreams come true. But maybe it's His will to go through certain experiences while seeking our dreams.
Spring always seems like a time when I look at my life and decide to make changes. Maybe I won't make them all. But I want to make a few. I want to start wearing skirts and dresses more this year, not for special occasions, just every day. I want to make a point of intense Bible study. What am I doing when I'm checking Facebook about ten times more often than I read the Bible in a day?? I want to get a different job so I can save more and be better able to go after some dreams. I want to change my hairstyle in some way. I want to paint my fingernails often, completely disregarding the fact that the paint always chips off by the second or third day. I want to get out of my room more, maybe start doing my homework in the living room. It makes me more accountable anyway. I want to learn to put my makeup on well, but at the same time take care of my skin and wear less makeup. I want to start working on ideas for interior design projects. I want to actually take on some projects in real life, not just plan them out on paper. I want to exercise and get in shape. I want to figure out what exactly my dreams are and who I want to be. Then, it's time to get started on living this life the Lord has blessed me with, and living it well.
I don't know where this thought really came from, but I used to think that Christians shouldn't have dreams. I never really consciously realized that I thought this until recently. I used to think that we should live quiet, simple lives. Not necessarily living like monks, just simply. No muss, no fuss, no big deal. Just living. I don't think Christians should live extravagantly. And don't get me wrong, I do still believe we ultimately should be satisfied with simplicity. I do not believe anymore that we should live statically. Sadly, that's pretty much how I've lived the past 18 years of my life. Granted, it's hard for a person growing up to have much control over where they go and what they do. But I've been gaining more control over my life as I come closer to adulthood, and I feel like I've been wasting it. God has given us full, colorful lives. I believe now that enjoying those lives is the way He intended us to live. I also used to think that a Christian shouldn't have any strong desires for a "dream job" or a "dream life". I don't think these dreams are a bad thing anymore. Of course, covetousness, envy, lust, and greed are all sinful, and we have to avoid these kinds of dreams. But I think God gives us our dreams to point us in a direction He wants us to go in. Maybe it's not His will that those dreams come true. But maybe it's His will to go through certain experiences while seeking our dreams.
Spring always seems like a time when I look at my life and decide to make changes. Maybe I won't make them all. But I want to make a few. I want to start wearing skirts and dresses more this year, not for special occasions, just every day. I want to make a point of intense Bible study. What am I doing when I'm checking Facebook about ten times more often than I read the Bible in a day?? I want to get a different job so I can save more and be better able to go after some dreams. I want to change my hairstyle in some way. I want to paint my fingernails often, completely disregarding the fact that the paint always chips off by the second or third day. I want to get out of my room more, maybe start doing my homework in the living room. It makes me more accountable anyway. I want to learn to put my makeup on well, but at the same time take care of my skin and wear less makeup. I want to start working on ideas for interior design projects. I want to actually take on some projects in real life, not just plan them out on paper. I want to exercise and get in shape. I want to figure out what exactly my dreams are and who I want to be. Then, it's time to get started on living this life the Lord has blessed me with, and living it well.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Darkness
So much darkness and grief around me. The world can be so gray sometimes. The loneliness and fear in this world is almost more than I can take. I have heard so many heartbreaking stories over the past few weeks. Children dying in burning homes. Cancer taking beautiful, loving mothers from their families. Shootings in theaters and malls and schools. Looking back at how Alzheimer's slowly erased an entire existence. Murders on the street. Alcohol and drugs destroying families. Sexual abuse. Abandonment. Husbands cheating on their wives. Young boys committing suicide after being bullied. Such grief. Agony. It fills every piece of you. It pushes in from every side, it crushes, it suffocates. The tears begin to fall and you wonder if they will ever stop, or if they even can ever stop. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry like you've never cried before, until you feel there's nothing left of you. You weep- true weeping, not just crying- until you fall to your knees in complete exhaustion. How are you supposed to hold yourself together when everything you knew as being good and beautiful just turned so dark and desperate?
I truly feel that it is when darkness surrounds me that I am shown light most clearly. Grace touches my spirit, it lifts my heart, and it puts the bones back into my body. I can stand again for a moment. The pain is going to return, but for that one moment, the sun is warm on my face. I manage to hear a bird singing through the constant scream of thoughts in my head. I see glimpses of beauty instead of destruction. That little boy saved six other people from the fire before he died trying to save a seventh. That mother is with the Lord at this moment. The legacy of love she left behind will continue in the children she raised in the Lord, and in her children's children after that. That's beautiful. So can we dance? Maybe it's a slow dance, holding each other tight, just to know there is someone there. It won't be joyful. It will be heartbreaking and slow. We can barely stand, let alone move. We're just barely holding on. The darkness is upon us. Move away. Take a step. Then another. Listen to the music. Maybe it's a slow song. Quiet. Let it begin to heal. Let's celebrate grace. Let's enjoy tiny moments of laughter and happiness. When grief strikes us to the ground, He holds us. He puts His loving arms around us and clutches us to Him, refusing to give us to the darkness that reaches for us.
I still feel the pain. I still see the grief. The world still seems gray around me. The clouds above me are the darkest I've ever seen, but the light is still behind them. I can feel it. Maybe I can't see it quite yet. But it's there. The heartache is so very present. But the healing is on the horizon.
I truly feel that it is when darkness surrounds me that I am shown light most clearly. Grace touches my spirit, it lifts my heart, and it puts the bones back into my body. I can stand again for a moment. The pain is going to return, but for that one moment, the sun is warm on my face. I manage to hear a bird singing through the constant scream of thoughts in my head. I see glimpses of beauty instead of destruction. That little boy saved six other people from the fire before he died trying to save a seventh. That mother is with the Lord at this moment. The legacy of love she left behind will continue in the children she raised in the Lord, and in her children's children after that. That's beautiful. So can we dance? Maybe it's a slow dance, holding each other tight, just to know there is someone there. It won't be joyful. It will be heartbreaking and slow. We can barely stand, let alone move. We're just barely holding on. The darkness is upon us. Move away. Take a step. Then another. Listen to the music. Maybe it's a slow song. Quiet. Let it begin to heal. Let's celebrate grace. Let's enjoy tiny moments of laughter and happiness. When grief strikes us to the ground, He holds us. He puts His loving arms around us and clutches us to Him, refusing to give us to the darkness that reaches for us.
I still feel the pain. I still see the grief. The world still seems gray around me. The clouds above me are the darkest I've ever seen, but the light is still behind them. I can feel it. Maybe I can't see it quite yet. But it's there. The heartache is so very present. But the healing is on the horizon.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes I dream of being a singer, but I don't want to be idolized by thousands. I want to sing simple songs from my heart to my closest friends without being embarrassed if I mess up. I want to dance in circles until I'm dizzy and fall down laughing, not caring who sees me.
Sometimes I dream of being a designer, making people happy with the everyday beauty around them. I want to bring life and color into rooms, and know people enjoyed what I did, not constantly worry that I didn't do what they wanted me to do.
Sometimes I dream of being a writer, where the words flow from my fingertips and make perfect sense. I want to write a bestseller, but not for the money or for any fame, I just want that assurance that people liked my words. That for once, I said something I didn't regret or think could have been said better.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck being a teenager with big dreams, but no plans for how to accomplish them.
Sometimes, for all my little dreams, I think my real dream is to be a person that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to be. I want to live confidently, without caring what others think of me. Maybe this low self-esteem is all part of being a typical 18-year-old. Maybe it's just me. There are times when I don't care about my dreams. There are times when I care too much, and they're all I can think about. But I want to find a happy balance. At the end of the day, I just want to be satisfied with my accomplishments, and know that I honored the Lord through it all.
Sometimes I dream of being a designer, making people happy with the everyday beauty around them. I want to bring life and color into rooms, and know people enjoyed what I did, not constantly worry that I didn't do what they wanted me to do.
Sometimes I dream of being a writer, where the words flow from my fingertips and make perfect sense. I want to write a bestseller, but not for the money or for any fame, I just want that assurance that people liked my words. That for once, I said something I didn't regret or think could have been said better.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck being a teenager with big dreams, but no plans for how to accomplish them.
Sometimes, for all my little dreams, I think my real dream is to be a person that I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to be. I want to live confidently, without caring what others think of me. Maybe this low self-esteem is all part of being a typical 18-year-old. Maybe it's just me. There are times when I don't care about my dreams. There are times when I care too much, and they're all I can think about. But I want to find a happy balance. At the end of the day, I just want to be satisfied with my accomplishments, and know that I honored the Lord through it all.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Grief
My family is about to change. A lot. The happy smiles when we're all together aren't going to be so happy anymore. This Thanksgiving, instead of being my favorite, happiest time of the year, might be full of sadness. My aunt is dying. She's had Early Onset Alzheimer's for years, and it's looking like we're coming to what might be the end. It's painful. I'm just starting to realize how much more painful it's going to become. Besides my grandfather, who died the day before I was born, we've never grieved for a family member in my lifetime. It's not something that I have experienced personally. I think what I hate the most about death is the grief and pain and sadness it brings to everyone. It's not fixable. I can't stand to see people hurting. I am glad that death means the end of pain for the person suffering, and rejoice when it means that they are going to be at last united with Christ like my aunt will be, but the destruction it sends on others' lives is what hurts me the most. I think their grief may affect me even more than my own grief affects me. I just want to be able to hug everyone long and hard and make the pain go away. I want them to stop hurting, so very, very much. But a hug won't fix this. My family has always been one of laughter and love and smiles. It's not going to be that way the next time I see them, and I'm not sure how I'll react to that. I have a hard time controlling my emotions around others. In times of serious pain, I tend to either fall to pieces, or offer a weak smile because I don't know what else to do. I feel so emotionally disconnected sometimes, but other times I feel like I am much too emotionally connected. When one of my best friends' dad was killed in a car accident a few years ago, I didn't cry at the funeral until the full realization of how much my friend and her family were hurting hit me. I literally doubled over in a pew and sobbed. I couldn't stop and finally had to walk outside for a few minutes. When a family friend's baby was stillborn, I didn't cry until I saw the mother's face. Then I almost couldn't stand it. She was hurting so much. I know it's the looks that will be in my family members' eyes that will hurt the most. I can't change it. There's nothing I can do that will change the grief they will be feeling. They are the strongest people I know, and I really don't know how I'm going to handle seeing them like this. I love them all to death but that love can't erase the pain. I know Christ is the only one who can bring true healing from grief, and that it will take time to see the light in our eyes again when we're together. But I've never wished more than I do now that there was something more I could do.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Bloom
She lived like a flower, her face turned towards the sky.
The sun smiled down on her as she constantly reached towards its warmth.
Love watered her, joy strengthened her, and peace kept her safe.
She lived for brightness and light.
She thrived in encouragement, wilted in fear, and blossomed again in freedom.
She was individual, unique, and beautiful.
She grew and was strong despite the fragility of her stem.
Planting her roots in faith, she weathered the storms and stood tall.
She was a light in the dark fields.
She opened her petals and showed the world her beauty.
And when the soft breezes touched her, she danced for joy.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Happy
I am generally a very happy person. And that's how I'm feeling tonight. Happy. Tonight, even though I had one of my "I'm an idiot" and "I-must-have-messed-something-up-again-even-though-I'm-not-exactly-sure-what-it-was" moments earlier today, I feel good. I got some stuff accomplished at home that I've been putting off for a really long time, and even though it's not a super big task, it makes me feel happy that it's done. The past few days have been kind of a blur of "meh"-ness, where I didn't feel happy and I didn't feel sad. But today was good. Nothing to talk about, nothing really important happened, but I'm back to smiling. Add to this that I've been listening to a playlist of my favorite music on Spotify tonight, and it makes me feel good. And it all just combines to make me a happy person tonight. I don't usually write a post like this, but when I feel especially good, like tonight, I just kind of want to dance around in circles and tell the world that life is good. I want it to be infectious. And I don't know exactly how to do that, but I think I'll work on it. I want to be known for spreading my joy.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Homosexuality
I have some pretty controversial ideas about homosexuality, at least
when I'm around certain friends. I'm not sure if I have it right, but I do
have an opinion. This post might get confusing because sometimes it's
difficult for me to coherently explain my thoughts, but I'm trying as
hard as I can to explain myself fully and clearly. So here we go. I
believe that while homosexuality is a sin, Christians should not ignore
homosexuals. It's been said over and over that Christians should show
God's love to them. AND THIS IS ENTIRELY TRUE. This is what I base my
views on; that we as Christians should indeed love homosexuals. I
believe that wholeheartedly. But it has to go further than just saying
"I will show love to you, even though I don't want to. Even though I completely disagree with how you live." It can't be something we pretend. We have to actually, fully, completely love them.
And not just homosexuals. While this post is going to be talking about
homosexuality, I believe the views I have here apply to any and all sin
around us. We can't ignore the sin. But more than anything, we can't
ignore the sinner. Who will demonstrate Christ's love if we ostracize
people? But I'm talking like a person who doesn't want to love homosexuals. Before I go further, I need to explain something.
I have never minded the gay community. I guess this is a result of the message being sent to the world that homosexuality is natural and okay, and I really, deep down, have had a hard time convincing myself differently. If I were not a Christian, I would be right there in the groups promoting gay rights. I would have changed my profile picture on Facebook a few months back to an equality sign. I would have closely followed pro-gay legislation and cheered when homosexual marriages were legalized in some states. I would strongly support any gay friends I may have. I would defend them when others spoke against them. There is a voice in my head that still tries every day to explain to me that homosexuality is a natural choice for some people, and that even though I myself am not homosexual, it is perfectly normal to be that way. I am constantly reminding myself of God's view of homosexuality: {1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)} Homosexuality is wrong. It's sinful. And though my sinful heart may try and convince me otherwise, I cannot condone it for the simple reason that God says that it is wrong.
So after this revelation, I have to tell you that the whole "Christians have to love homosexuals" message is kinda pointless for me. I love them anyway. I just have to remember to hate the sin. And in doing that, I have to remember to continue loving the person. It's easy to get caught up in hatred of a sin and turn that into hating the sinner as well, or flip the other way, and love the sin as well. It's a difficult balance, but I turn to Christ to show me how to do it. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes. He didn't just love them from a distance. He is my example. He sat down with them and encouraged their friendship.
I don't approve of homosexuality, in the same way that I don't approve of heterosexual couples involving themselves in sexual immorality. It's all immoral in God's eyes. I think we generally have a harder time remembering to hate the sin of unmarried couples living together than we do remembering to hate homosexuality. Just look at that list back in 1 Corinthians that I mentioned. It doesn't just mention homosexuality. God hates any sexual sin. He hates idolatry. He hates adulterers. He hates prostitution. He hates thieves. He hates greed. He hates drunkenness. He hates abusers. He hates cheats. But it says we were cleansed and made holy. So instead of focusing so much on hating the sins of those around me, I think a much better and God-glorifying use of my time is truthfully showing God's love towards those people, and sharing His word and being a light for Him. He will cleanse them and make them new. He will show them how to deal with their sins, not me. I can't fix anyone by hating or judging them. I can't change someone by screaming Bible verses in their face. All I can do is love, and live in a way that God approves of, hating my own sin and focusing on ridding myself of it.
I didn't really do any editing on this post, because I know I'll just get lost in trying to revise what I said, and end up making more of a jumbled mess than it is now. So I'll just leave it here, hoping that I was clear, hoping that I got it right.
I have never minded the gay community. I guess this is a result of the message being sent to the world that homosexuality is natural and okay, and I really, deep down, have had a hard time convincing myself differently. If I were not a Christian, I would be right there in the groups promoting gay rights. I would have changed my profile picture on Facebook a few months back to an equality sign. I would have closely followed pro-gay legislation and cheered when homosexual marriages were legalized in some states. I would strongly support any gay friends I may have. I would defend them when others spoke against them. There is a voice in my head that still tries every day to explain to me that homosexuality is a natural choice for some people, and that even though I myself am not homosexual, it is perfectly normal to be that way. I am constantly reminding myself of God's view of homosexuality: {1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NLT)} Homosexuality is wrong. It's sinful. And though my sinful heart may try and convince me otherwise, I cannot condone it for the simple reason that God says that it is wrong.
So after this revelation, I have to tell you that the whole "Christians have to love homosexuals" message is kinda pointless for me. I love them anyway. I just have to remember to hate the sin. And in doing that, I have to remember to continue loving the person. It's easy to get caught up in hatred of a sin and turn that into hating the sinner as well, or flip the other way, and love the sin as well. It's a difficult balance, but I turn to Christ to show me how to do it. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes. He didn't just love them from a distance. He is my example. He sat down with them and encouraged their friendship.
I don't approve of homosexuality, in the same way that I don't approve of heterosexual couples involving themselves in sexual immorality. It's all immoral in God's eyes. I think we generally have a harder time remembering to hate the sin of unmarried couples living together than we do remembering to hate homosexuality. Just look at that list back in 1 Corinthians that I mentioned. It doesn't just mention homosexuality. God hates any sexual sin. He hates idolatry. He hates adulterers. He hates prostitution. He hates thieves. He hates greed. He hates drunkenness. He hates abusers. He hates cheats. But it says we were cleansed and made holy. So instead of focusing so much on hating the sins of those around me, I think a much better and God-glorifying use of my time is truthfully showing God's love towards those people, and sharing His word and being a light for Him. He will cleanse them and make them new. He will show them how to deal with their sins, not me. I can't fix anyone by hating or judging them. I can't change someone by screaming Bible verses in their face. All I can do is love, and live in a way that God approves of, hating my own sin and focusing on ridding myself of it.
I didn't really do any editing on this post, because I know I'll just get lost in trying to revise what I said, and end up making more of a jumbled mess than it is now. So I'll just leave it here, hoping that I was clear, hoping that I got it right.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Longing
I am full of longing tonight. But I don't know what I'm longing for. I feel like my heart is missing something. Is it a desire for closer relationships with my family? Is it a desire for nearness to the Lord? Is it a desire for friendships? Is it a desire to fall in love? I really don't know. I've been searching my heart and I can't seem to find the answer. I've struggled with this for months now. The only word I can think of to put to this situation that seems to fully cover this feeling is "yearning". I am searching for something, aching for something that is missing. And I can't seem to find out what I need. But in the midst of this longing, there is comfort. God knows what it is. He knows what I need. He knows the desires of my heart. So I give it to Him tonight. Just like I have so many times in the past. The Lord knows. The Lord understands. Even when I don't. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my past, my present, my future. He cares. He loves. He takes it on Himself and fills the emptiness, and I am full again with His love. Maybe this emptiness is really just my heart's way of turning me to God and letting Him pour His love into me. He is my only solution. He is my healer and comforter. He fills me more than anything could. Like Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Even if it isn't exactly what my heart is telling me what it needs, I believe delight in the Lord can fill and cover those desires.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Resolutions
I feel like God has been changing me again. I am a quiet, shy person around people I don't know well. I always focus on their opinions of me and don't speak much, because (oh dear!) what if I accidentally said something that they might think is stupid, or might make them remember that I'm just the lowly teenage girl trying to fit in?! But I feel like God is pulling my focus away from worrying about their opinions of me and showing me that no matter what they may think of me, I need to show them love. I have never really had a problem loving people before- I generally love everyone I meet and instantly want to be their best friend. But I feel like God has been telling me I need to actually show that love. An encouraging word here, a big hug there, and a lot of friendly, engaging conversation (which, admittedly, is my weakest point... I am NOT good at keeping a conversation going. Gotta really work on that!). I tend to bottle up all my friendliness and shove it down inside me because I'm afraid people will think I'm annoying. I focus so much on people's opinions that, apparently, I'd rather let them think of me as a snob who doesn't want to talk to them instead of their friend. So as a result of these realizations, I'm making a few resolutions.
Number one: to pull myself out from my shell and not be so darn afraid of people.
Number two: to send a note occasionally just to tell someone I'm glad we're friends.
Number three: to love everyone like Christ would love them.
Number four: to show the love of Christ through my actions and my words. (AND USE MORE WORDS. SERIOUSLY.)
Number five: to not be afraid to share God's Word.
Number six: to not care if they don't love me back.
Mind you, this is all written and resolved from the comfort of my room... when I try to apply this, I know for a fact it will be much, much more difficult. So just bear with me, future friends. I'm trying.
Number one: to pull myself out from my shell and not be so darn afraid of people.
Number two: to send a note occasionally just to tell someone I'm glad we're friends.
Number three: to love everyone like Christ would love them.
Number four: to show the love of Christ through my actions and my words. (AND USE MORE WORDS. SERIOUSLY.)
Number five: to not be afraid to share God's Word.
Number six: to not care if they don't love me back.
Mind you, this is all written and resolved from the comfort of my room... when I try to apply this, I know for a fact it will be much, much more difficult. So just bear with me, future friends. I'm trying.
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